I originally wrote this back in 2013 but didn’t publish it until 2014 on the same day as today. The story was named The Dark Truth but that post was mainly telling people the dark truth of my life that I have a mental illness. It was also the second time since 2003 telling people I have depression. I talked a lot about the struggles I went through growing up even from the day I was born.

With this post you’re reading, I mainly copied & paste where I talked about my last suicide attempt but I retyped it again and added more things to it so it’s like an extended version of it that most of you guys haven’t read before so this is the first time telling the universe.

As I always do with all my posts depending on the content I write, I’m going to put a trigger warning as this post particular is quite dark and may be triggering for some people. The content I’ll be talking about is suicide, suicidality, past planned suicide attempts and graphic details of self-harm.

If you are easily triggered, please do not read, otherwise, read with caution. If you are feeling suicidal or unsafe at any time, stop reading and please reach out for help as the last thing I want to do is triggering people. Your life is so important!

When I was in Year 12 in 2007, I planned my suicide attempt in more than a year ahead and that date was the 22nd July 2008. I chose that date because it was the same as my first suicide attempt where I felt like I should have died. In that year, I would collect my medication by not taking them and storing them in a secret place in my room so no one could find it. I waited until I collected enough and wait for the date to come.

22nd July 2008 was the day I almost died. I don’t really remember what I did during the day but I think I vaguely remember watching a movie with my best mate on that day as I was still on TAFE holidays at that time. I also think later that day when I was at home, I was finishing writing my suicide note and was watching the Australian medical TV Show All Saints.

*WARNING*

The next paragraph contains graphic details of my self-harm which includes cutting and burning. If you are easily triggered and not feeling safe at the moment, PLEASE do not read as I don’t want to trigger you. Just wanted to warn you guys as this may trigger some people so please read with caution.

Later that night, I just felt like hurting myself so I went to my room and grab my pencil sharpener blade and cut myself and started to carve words IHL (I Hate Life) & DIE into my body. I also burnt myself as well with ice and salt to get a chemical burn which is a frostbite and did that several times until I couldn’t stand the pain.

*WARNING*

The next lot of paragraphs contain my last suicide attempt and my recovery in hospital. As I mentioned before, If you are easily triggered and not feeling safe at the moment, PLEASE do not read as I don’t want to trigger you. Otherwise, please read with caution.

After hurting myself and this was around 10pm, I remember going upstairs into my room getting my stash of medication that I have been collecting in the last year and taking them one by one. I’m not gonna say how much I took (for obvious reasons) but it was a lot and I could have taken more If I wanted to but that would have lead to a more deadlier result and glad I didn’t do it.

After taking my medications, I was lying down in my bed thinking this was it, this was the end of it. Well, that’s what I thought and then after a little while, I blacked out. I woke up being in and out of consciousness because of the amount of medication I took. I remember my dad cleaning me up because I threw up and he had to help me take out my contact lens as I was very groggy and he even tried to help me put me to bed.

My dad and my sister thought I was sick with something because I kept throwing up everywhere until they realised I took an overdose. I actually don’t know how they knew but I think they knew something was very wrong so they had to call for an ambulance which came to my house. Once it arrived, I had to be carried from upstairs to downstairs to the ambulance and I was still being in and out of consciousness and I blacked out again in the ambulance.

I woke up in hospital being all groggy and had all these monitors and sticky pad attached to my body. Wondering where I was, I had an oxygen mask on which I took off and then this nurse came rushing to me telling me not to take it off and then I blacked out again. I don’t remember what happened after that but I woke up yet again being rolled into ICU and in the middle of me moving, I threw up again so the nurses had to clean me up. I also had an IV line attached to me so they could give me medication when I needed to and they had a heart monitor attached to me so they can monitor what was going on with my body.

After I arrived in the ICU, there were so many hospital staff members looking after me and I can’t even remember who they were. I only remember certain people who I got along with like there was this male nurse, he was very laid-back and friendly to get along with. I vaguely remember one of our conversations on how became a nurse and how he wanted to help people which inspired me. Unfortunately, I don’t remember a lot of our conversations which is a real shame but I’ll never forget his compassion and support.

Though there was also this one time after a few months after getting out of hospital, my dad and I actually bumped into him at one of the Central Coast Mariners & Sydney FC games and he was with his son. It was great to see him again and told me I was looking a lot better when he last saw me and I thanked him for his support because he was there when I needed someone when I was recovering in the ICU.

Anyway, back to the story…one of the ER doctors came to see me and told me that I was very lucky to be alive because I almost had permanent damage to my organs due to the lethal amount of the overdose and if I had not been found, I would have been dead.  Hearing that I was close to death was surreal.

As you can see, it wasn’t fun at all. I stayed in the ICU recovering and I had to have a nurse with me 24/7 just in case if I tried to do something to myself again. I spoke to one of the nurses about my suicide attempt and her words had an impacted on me which I won’t say on here as it was about her story but it made me realised that there is help out there. I was very thankful for her support because when she told me about her story, it was very sad and it really hit close to home for me. I was still pretty angry that I didn’t die but at the same time, I’m kinda glad that I survived my suicide attempt.

The emergency psych team came to see me as they wanted to assess how I was going and even asked me questions like why I was in hospital, what was the reason for my suicide attempt and my situation. I said to them that my suicide attempt was a planned one and even told them about my first suicide attempt where I should have died. I also told them I was struggling with TAFE, how my grandma passed away after I finished Year 12 and the hallucinations I was getting. After explaining to them my situation, they suggested I should be transferred to the emergency psych ward once I get better.

My family came to visit me and it was tough and embarrassing because I knew that my suicide attempt had a deep impact on them and I felt bad what put them through but I was actually really happy to see them. They really have been so supportive of me even though they didn’t understand me completely and I realised I am so lucky to have them.

During my stay in hospital, a service provider I was with sent me a Get Well Soon card to me which I wasn’t expecting and it really lifted my mood as they knew I was going through an extremely difficult time. I also received support from my extended family and friends which meant a lot to me and I am very grateful for their support.

Since I was feeling better, the emergency psych team transferred me to the emergency psychiatric ICU. Because this was a locked unit, I had to give the hospital staff my personal belongings as I wasn’t allowed to have anything with me so I gave them my mobile, mp3 players & chargers to them and put them in a bag with my name on it and locked it away.

After a brief stay, they again transferred me to the psychiatric ward and this ward, let’s just say it wasn’t for me because I was with other patients who were more unfortunate than me. Before I got admitted, there was a nurse who was working at the hospital and it actually happened to be one of my classmates who I went to the same high school as me. He was in a few years above me and it was good to see an old friend again.

Anyway, when the moved me, I was a shared room but luckily no one was with me except on the last day. I didn’t eat or sleep during my stay there because I didn’t want to be in there. I didn’t even get out of my room or interact with other people, it was all too much for me. I don’t want to say what happened during my stay mainly for privacy reason but it was one of the worst experiences I had. Even the nurses didn’t really check on you properly and every time my family came to visit me, I was so happy to see them because I was feeling lonely.

One of the psychiatrists saw me again to check up on me and I told her that I wanted to leave this place and thankfully, I didn’t need to stay there for that long because she got in contact with my psychiatrist. Because I didn’t feel suicidal or any need to harm myself, my psychiatrist requested for me to be transferred to another psychiatric hospital where he works at. This hospital had a so much better treatment and was more suitable for me.

On the last day of my admission, when I was getting discharged, my dad and I found out that my personal belongings got lost and had been stolen. This gave me a small panic attack as my legs were trembling and my dad had to calm me down.

My dad got very mad and went to talk to the nurses again and asked them to check again but still, they couldn’t find my stuff. They tried to apologise to us but saying sorry didn’t really help. This really devastated me because I had a lot of valuable stuff on my phone like the messages and photos I had could never be retrieved again. I also lost contacts with friends that I haven’t been able to reach them again since.

My dad made a complaint to the Unit Manager saying apparently, the proper procedure wasn’t followed and she said we had to send them a list of my belongings that got stolen which was again my phone, memory card, mp3 player & chargers and their team would work out the costs and how much money we could get back for the loss of the items. She also apologised again especially to me as she knows this was a very distressing time for me after recovering from my suicide attempt. She also said she’ll make sure to talk to her staff and address the issue as it was unacceptable.

At least the Unit Manager had the compassion to help us but there was nothing else we could do and had to go home as the other hospital was waiting for me so just a warning guys, leave your stuff at home or give it to your family/friends to look after.

We went home to packed my bags and went straight to the psychiatric hospital. When we arrived there, the admission staff had to interview me, go through the pre-admission, had to fill out some forms and even took a face photo of me for security reasons. After that was all done, they took us to the ICU where my room was and it was a small ICU. Five single rooms, two shared bathrooms, a lounge room and an office for the nurse.

The nurse welcomed me and parents and had to go through my belongings as there was some stuff I couldn’t keep with me. She also had to do another interview of me to check how I was going and I had to give her a urine sample (eww! I know) so they can test me if I have anything in my system like any drugs or alcohol and they do this with every patient.

She told me that the hospital I was currently staying in was a better place for me than staying in the public hospital and that made my parents and I felt relieved after going through that unforgettable experience. The nurse left us alone and gave me dinner as it was getting. The food was so much better as well as it was near restaurant quality. I was very hungry because I didn’t eat for two days. My parents left me as it was getting late but I was able to talk to them honestly about what I was going through and I wasn’t able to do that before which was a big change.

The next day, my psychiatrist came to see me and I pretty much told him everything and how I planned my suicide attempt and how I almost died. He was very worried about me but was glad that my plan didn’t work. He also told me the psychiatrist from the public hospital briefed him on my situation. I was glad that he was understanding and was able to finally open up to him more.

So the next few days in the ICU, I mainly stayed in my room and rested. This gave me time to reflect on how I was so close to dying because I was still traumatised from my suicide attempt. It also gave me a chance to open up to the nurses who were looking after me and they were very supportive especially this nurse as she was touched by my story.

After staying in the ICU and once I was in a better place, they transferred me to the main unit and put me in a shared room. The nurse gave me a tour of the unit where the small kitchen is, the two lounges and the bathrooms are and also told me about the in-patient day groups and timetable. It was a very relaxing and safe place to be. They even showed me the tour of the hospital where the cafeteria is, the gym, cafe and the courtyard.

Because I was new, one of the nurses had to interview me and they just asked questions like why I’m here, my goals, how long I’ll be staying, my medications and mainly my history. They also asked about my self-harm and my suicide attempts because they have a duty of care for my safety and others and also you can’t do anything to yourself while you’re in here. A GP doctor also had to see me and he mainly asked about my medical records and again why I’m in here.

With meals, they actually bring your meal and deliver to your room but after a first few days, you have to go down to have your meals as they encouraged people not to eat in their rooms and isolated themselves. They also had certain meal times and a lot of the times were quite early than usual because of the catering staff had to leave work early especially after dinner. Like dinner would be at 5:15pm and finishes at 6:15pm but for me I have dinner around 7pm so you can get hungry in the evening

They also had a nurses station where you had to take your medication at a certain time during the day and you also have to go to bed by a certain time which was at 11pm. It was a bit hard sleeping early as I’m more of a night person and being in a shared room is hard because you’re sharing with three other patients.

Having a routine and waking up in the mornings was a real struggle for me because I wasn’t a morning person but I eventually got used to it. Also going to the therapy groups was a bit difficult because I haven’t gone to groups since high school and it made me very anxious. I stayed in my room most of the time because I was new but in time, I was able to meet the other patients and get to know them. Even with the nurses, it took me a while to open up but luckily some of them I was able to get along with easily.

Settling into hospital took time and my mood was starting to get better. Towards the middle of my stay, I was granted day leave and was able to get out of hospital during the day but had to be accompanied by someone like one of my parents. I was also able to get in contact with some of family and friends after getting a new Nokia phone and the support I got from them was what I needed as I was feeling very confused after my suicide attempt. It was great to have moral support as they know me the best.

There was this one time my expensive sunnies and I think another one of my things got stolen and unfortunately, the staff couldn’t do anything about it which devastated me again. Because I was in a shared room, it was easy for things to get taken out of them and this was the second time my stuff got stolen after the first time as you guys already know. So ever since my stuff got stolen, I have been careful with my personal belongings and locked them up in the cupboard.

I started going to groups more and find my place in here. One of my favourite therapy groups was music as I play the guitar. A lot of the songs we did were inspirational songs that had a meaningful message and it can be any type of genre of music as well. There were other talented musicians in the group which was great fun to play along with them.

In my spare time when I don’t have any therapy, I usually watch TV in the lounge room or hang out with the other patients. Weekends were worse than weekdays because there wasn’t a lot you can do during the day. They just only had card makings but that’s pretty much it and if you don’t get any day leave, you’ll get bored easily. I did have family and friends who came to visit me especially my parents who try to visit me every day so I won’t feel lonely especially on the weekends.

In my final few days, I had to planned my discharge with my support network and I was a bit anxious going home because after you get used to staying in hospital, it’s like your second home and you feel like you’re one big family with the other patients. Also because it was my first time leaving hospital, I didn’t know what to expect to get back into the real world. With the discharge planning, they had to organise support for me after leaving hospital and I had to go to a day therapy group they run during the week for two days.

On my last day,. I had to move out of my room by 10am so another patient can move in and I think I saw my psychiatrist just for a final check-up, I don’t really remember since it’s been ten years. It was sad saying goodbye to my second family as we got along well and even the hospital staff they have been really great to me especially the ones who I got along. My parents finally came to pick me up and after nearly a month of staying at the hospital, I finally was able to go home.

As you can see, it was extremely tough and it was even tougher than any of my other suicide attempts including my first suicide attempt. Being close to death made realise how I’m grateful I am that I’m still here because if my family didn’t found me, I wouldn’t be here blogging for you guys. This year is also probably more significant than any of my other anniversaries because it has been a decade since that near fateful night and that is a huge milestone for coming a long way.

Thank you guys for reading. I hope my story gave you guys an insight because I don’t think anyone should go through that experience like I went through because it was scary as hell. In the last ten years, I haven’t attempted suicide which is incredible (as it’s the longest) but at the same time, I still get dark thoughts from time to time especially this time of the year and I can’t say I’ll never do it again which I know it’s sad to hear that but it doesn’t mean I’m actually gonna do it.

Thinking about where I was ten years ago at the lowest of the lowest point in my life but here a decade later, I’m still here and coincidentally enough, I’m now at the highest of the highest point in my life and never felt this happy before. One thing I know for sure is I’m having the best time of my life and I hope it continues that way because, for the very first time, I can now say I am finally happy and free.

Be random but stay safe! ^_^

Before you guys start reading, I want to let you know this will be a very emotional post to blog about and extremely difficult for me to share as it is very personal but I want to inspire people with my milestone which is why I’m posting this.

As I always do with all my posts depending on the content I write, I’m going to put a trigger warning as this post particular is quite dark and might be quite distressing for some people. The content I’ll be talking about is suicide, suicidality, past suicide attempts, near suicide attempts, bullying, hallucinations and losses.

If you are easily triggered, please do not read, otherwise, read with caution. If you are feeling suicidal or unsafe at any time, stop reading and please reach out for help as the last thing I want to do is triggering people. Your life is so important!

“David, you are very lucky to be alive because you almost had permanent damage to your organs as the amount of the overdose you took was dangerously high and if your family didn’t find you in time, you would have not survived.”

Those are the words that I’ll never forget when one of the ER doctors told me after surviving my fourth and last suicide attempt and yes, David is my real name but I prefer to be called Davo as I find David a too common name.

Anyway, as most of you readers know or maybe those who don’t even know, today is a very emotional day for me because today, it’s the fifteenth anniversary of my first suicide attempt and also the tenth anniversary of my last suicide attempt. 22nd July 2003 and 22nd July 2008 – both dates I’ll never forget what happened on those two daunting nights.

*WARNING*

The next few paragraphs contain my first and last suicide attempt. If you are feeling suicidal and not feeling safe at the moment, PLEASE do not read as I don’t want to trigger you. Reach out for help as your life matters. Just wanted to warn you guys as this may trigger some people, otherwise, read with caution

For those who don’t know about my story and I know this will be shocking for some of you but I have severe depression and an anxiety disorder since I was at a very young age. When I was thirteen, I tried to kill myself for the first time by taking an overdose on my medications because of the bullying I went through in primary and high school, I was failing school, fighting with friends and family at home and been getting these unusual hallucinations since I was five years old. Luckily, it wasn’t a serious attempt as I survived. If you want to hear more about it, I have blogged about it which you can read here -> My First Suicide Attempt (Fifteen Years Anniversary)

Five years later on the same exact day, I tried to kill myself again in a suicide attempt when I planned in a year advance and I almost lost my life ten years ago coz of a lethal overdose I took. At that time, I was at the lowest of the lowest point in my life. I was struggling with TAFE, my grandma passed away after I graduated from Year 12, I was still grieving over my first dog’s death (my first real loss to death), my hallucinations were getting worse and my football (aka soccer) team were playing poorly and I was under a lot of pressure to perform as I was a striker. Again, if you want to hear more of my story, I have blogged about it which you can read here -> My Last Planned Suicide Attempt (Ten Years Anniversary)

I don’t know if you guys know this but both my first and last suicide attempt happened at the same exact day (on a Tuesday) and at a similar time. Why did I plan this? At that time, I felt like I should have died with my first suicide attempt and ever since I survived my first attempt, I have always wanted to try to kill myself again on the same or around the same date including my other two suicide attempts. In total, I have tried to kill myself four times and amazingly survived them all.

I still remember everything with both my first and last suicide attempts as like if it was yesterday except the times when I blacked out but 2008 is probably more significant for me because it was the day I almost died and it was just a traumatic thing to go through, something no one should ever go through. One of the scariest things is I still have flashbacks of blacking out several times at home and waking up being in and out of consciousness because of the side effects of the overdose I took.

Still hearing the words from one of the ER doctors when I was recovering in the ICU in hospital that I almost died,  it really hit me. I was so close to death because of the lethal overdose I took on my medication and I was lucky that I didn’t get any permanent damage to my body. It was all thanks to my family who was there at the time when I tried to kill myself.

*WARNING*

The next few paragraphs contain suicidality, near suicide attempt. Again, please do not read if you are feeling suicidal and not feeling safe at the moment, otherwise, please read with caution as this may trigger some people. I also apologise in advance that the things I have said is dark.

A decade later on and I am still here well alive and I never thought today would come. Since then, not once I have attempted suicide which is incredible and it’s the longest time I haven’t done it but that’s not to say I still get these dark thoughts to kill myself particularly during this time or when my depression gets worse.

I know this will be difficult for you guys to hear this from me but sometimes a bit of me wished my last suicide attempt did work because I feel guilty that I survived. I also know this will be dark and people might judge me for this but I can’t say if I’ll ever attempt suicide again or not as sometimes I feel like life would be better off without me so no one has to worry about me anymore. By the way, I’m not saying I’m actually gonna do it but I’ve always had these thoughts at a very young age in my childhood.

I know I’ve mentioned this before but I’m gonna mention again, I remember when I was seven years old, there was one day I had enough of life and felt like life would never get better. I got bullied, I was failing primary school, I had these hallucinations and never told anyone about it, I was fighting with almost everyone and felt like people hated me. So one day, I grab a knife in the kitchen and I was about to…*siGhz*…attempt suicide with it. Yep, you heard it…but luckily, someone almost walked in on me and I instantly put the knife down. I was so close to attempting my first suicide attempt at seven years old and I was still a kid back then. I don’t know what would have happened if I did try but I’m glad that it didn’t.

Because guys, you know what? I’m so glad that I’m still alive and I know if my last suicide attempt did succeed, it would have devastated a lot of people especially my family and close friends. I mean I wouldn’t even be here blogging or even people trying out my yummy food (as I’m now a baker’s chef) I have been making in the last few years. Sorry, I had to say that haha but you guys get the point.

I now realised how lucky I am to have a second chance at life because to tell you guys the truth, I’m now at the highest of the highest point in my life and have never felt this way before.  It’s just a coincidence and still can’t believe that a decade ago I was at the lowest of the lowest and almost lost my life but now, I’m living life to the fullest and never been so grateful.

*WARNING END*

In the last few years, I’ve been hearing more stories of people killing themselves on the news especially teenagers and young kids because of the different issues they went through and a lot had to do with bullying. This makes me really upset because I can totally relate to them and I always think back to my first suicide attempt and also that near suicide attempt when I was seven. Also recently, there are even well-known celebrities have been known to dying by suicide which can be a shock for everyone because they look happy and seem normal but deep inside, they’re not. With the amount of pressure being in the spotlight, I can imagine it isn’t easy.

I know how hard life is and you wonder if life would get any better because there have been times where I thought my life was never gonna get better and one of them was my last suicide attempt. After getting help after nearly dying, I realised help was out there and it was a long hard road to recovery. I actually didn’t even know who I was anymore after my suicide attempt and I was so confused about what to do with my life. It took a while to do a lot of soul-searching but thankfully, the support I got from my family, support network and friends were there for me and even that major jaw-surgery I had eight years ago [which you can read at Life Changing Experience & Three Years Gone By (Jaw Surgery)] changed my life forever.

If anyone is struggling with their life, I strongly urge you to reach out for help whether if it’s a big problem or even a small one. Talk to someone you trust like your family or friends. If that doesn’t work, talk to a professional like a doctor or a teacher or whoever. If it’s hard for you to talk, write it down.  There are also helplines out that are private and confidential and usually it’s free depending on where you are.

Also, in some cases, if your life or somebody else’s life is in danger, there is a duty of care in place and they must legally tell someone your situation whether is the higher authorities or your parents/legal guardian (if you’re underage) as it’s their responsibility to get immediate help. This happened to me many times when I was in high school even when I told my support network not to tell someone but please don’t let that put you off as they’re trying to protect you.

If you or somebody else is feeling suicidal or risk in harming your/themselves, please reach out for help immediately by telling someone. If you or someone require immediate help, please call your local emergency number or go to the closest A&E department or hospital. They should be able to assist you in any need coz your life is so important even tho it might feel like it’s not. Though I may not know you, I do care about you because I don’t want anything bad happen to you.

I do not want people to feel ashamed of talking about their issues and being silence especially suicide. I was like that before. I never told anyone what was going in my childhood until luckily I was able to reach out in Year 8 thanks to Kids Helpline (a free counselling service in Australia). Having a mental illness doesn’t make you crazy or weak, it’s a serious illness that needs to be treated. I’m not afraid to admit I have depression and anxiety, does that make me crazy? No but I’m glad I got the help I needed and here I am ten years later as a suicide attempt survivor. I also hope one of my close internet friends don’t mind quoting her but…

“Suicide is a silent killer because it is NOT talked about enough”

That is definitely true and that is why I’m raising awareness of suicide and mental illness even if it’s a “taboo’ topic to some people and people can judge me if they want (it’s their opinion) but that’s the reason why I have my blog Kawika In Sight so hopefully I can reach out to them.

Before I end, I want to do a special shoutout to my family for being there for me and saving my life. If it weren’t for you guys, I wouldn’t be alive and I can’t thank you enough and I’m so grateful to have a loving family. I know we’ve had our differences in the past but I’m glad that you guys are starting to understand my life more and more and I’m so sorry what I have put you through as I never meant any of it.

I also like to thank my support network for always being there for me as well and appreciated the time and dedication to supporting me in a lot of ways. Their professionalism has been fantastic and there were even times they saved my life.

I have so many people to be thankful for but it would be too long to list them all so I apologise if I didn’t list you but you guys know who you all are. I’m so glad to have you guys in my life and I’m very grateful for all your support. If it weren’t for you guys, I wouldn’t be standing where I am today and I really mean that.

Also, sorry I have not posted in a month as I needed to take a break from finishing my TAFE course after one and a half years. It’s been very hectic especially all the early mornings and late night practicals but I am also proud to say I finally passed my course (including all my theory & prac exams!) and achieved a Certificate III in Retail Baking and now a Baker’s Chef. To those who have supported me when I was studying, thank you so much for supporting and believing in me as it really helped me got through the stressful times coz you guys are awesome!

Thank you guys again for reading as it means a lot to me. I know this post was darker than usual but that’s because I was being very honest and I apologise again if I did upset anyone as I didn’t mean to.

Please feel free to give me feedback whether you like it (totally fine if you don’t as it’s your opinion but don’t bash me) as I always love to hear what people think about my writings.  If you guys could please share this with others who may be interested in this post or even my blog, that would be much appreciated as this will help my blog to grow and I can inspire people with more of my stories.

You are all amazing people! Don’t ever forget that!

Be random but stay safe! ^_^

Before you guys start reading, I just want to let you all know I originally wrote this back all the way in 2003 and shared it with specific family and friends. For those who remember reading it, I want to sincerely apologise for that because looking back on it, it was so terrible and cringy. I had no idea what I was talking about and never ever would I do that again but to be fair, I was still young back then and still learning how to write.

Because it was probably one of my worse writings, I had to retype it again and had to change a few things. Also, some of the detail stuff I wrote fifteen years ago, I actually forgot about because it was a long time ago and this is also the first time I’ll be sharing to the world so, for most of you guys, this will be new. I found this copy in my file a long time ago and I was surprised to find it again because I deleted the article in the middle of high school as it was so bad, I felt really ashamed of it but my parents kept a copy after all these years. I’m kind of glad they kept a copy but at the same time, I don’t think I’ll ever read the original again.

I’m also going to put a trigger warning as this is about suicide and the main content I’ll be talking about is my past experience with my first suicide attempt and my recovery in hospital. There are also mentions of the words bullying and hallucinations. If you are easily triggered, please do not read, otherwise, read with caution. If you are feeling unsafe at any time, please reach out for help as the last thing I want to do is triggering people.

Thank you for your attention!

22nd July 2003 was the first time I tried to kill myself. Back then, I was in Year 8 and was about to start my second high school because I was getting bullied at my old high school and my first psychiatrist suggested to my parents I should change schools.

Before starting at my new school, my late auntie took me out to watch Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines at my local cinema while my mum and grandma went somewhere else and the movie was pretty good I think, tho I don’t remember much of it because it was a long time ago. After the movie, my auntie and I met up with my mum and grandma and had lunch together.

Later in the late arvo at home, my mum and my sister had to go out somewhere which I don’t remember where they went but when they were out, I had a plan of running away from home because I hated my life and felt like nothing will get better. I quickly packed all my stuff and walked towards the park until my mum and sister saw me and asked what I was doing. I just lied to them that I wanted to go out for a walk so they gave me a lift and went back home. My mum gave me a haircut and went to work later that night was she works night shift.

*WARNING*

The next few paragraphs contain my first suicide attempt and my recovery in hospital. If you are easily triggered and not feeling safe at the moment, PLEASE do not read as I don’t want to trigger you. Just wanted to warn you guys as this may trigger some people so please read with caution.

Around 10:30 pm, I went to the kitchen and grab my medication from the pantry. I took a few at a time and I told one of my ex-internet friends what was I doing but she didn’t really understand what was going on with me so I kept continuing on taking my medication. When I was about to take the next lot of tablets, I rang one of my youth leaders and told him what was going on. He was pretty shocked and told me to give my mobile to my sister which I did and he told her was happening and rang my mum straight away as she was at work.

My mum came home quickly and dial Triple Zero for an ambulance which came pretty fast. When the ambo arrived, my mother explained to the paramedics was going on and they told me I had to go straight to the children’s hospital which I refused at first because I dislike and have a fear of going to hospitals (had many past surgeries) but I eventually agreed to go anyway.

When I arrived at the hospital, the paramedics told the ER doctors about my suicide attempt and the overdose I took. After the briefing, the doctors came to assess me and asked why I was here, why I took the overdose and what was happening. I don’t really remember what I told them but I think I told them about my past bullying, I was starting a new school the next day and my hallucinations I had since I was five. I also denied to them that I didn’t take an overdose just so I could escape out of the hospital but obviously that didn’t work.

Because they didn’t have a lot of time because of the mediation in my body, they had to quickly check my body stats like my weight, height, my heart rate etc.  After the assessment, they told me I had to drink activated charcoal that would get rid of the toxins in my body. This activated charcoal I heard about it before in an article and they said the taste wasn’t that good. I refused to drink it but they tried to persuade me putting ice cream to help with the taste.

Before I was about to take it, I had to go to the bathroom to calm myself down as I was feeling very strange probably because of the overdose I took. After getting out of the bathroom, the nurse said it was too late to drink the activated charcoal. Because of that, the ER doctor had more questions to asked me and said I had to take a blood test which I had a big fear of taking needles.

My mum rang my dad to tell him about my suicide attempt because he was overseas at that time and his reaction was shocked. He called my mobile straight away but I couldn’t answer it because I was feeling the effects of the amount of my medication I took.

One of the hospital staff came to do my blood test and in the middle of it, I was feeling groggy and blacked out completely around midnight. This was my first time blacking out and it was scary as hell. I woke up an hour later and found out I had a drip in my hand. My mum was there when I woke up and told me my dad tried to call me because he was worried about me and left me a message on my voicemail. I rang my voicemail to listen to his message and said he will be coming home as soon as possible. I also just found out that the police were sent to my house to check if everything was okay because of my suicide attempt. I don’t even know what happened to the police in the end as I was in hospital.

Around 3am, my mum took my sister home as she had school the next day and so the nurses had to look after me. When my mum left, I was feeling scared and alone because this was the first serious overdose I took and it was also my first suicide attempt. I started to feel very sleepy but was afraid to go to sleep as I thought if I sleep, I’ll die and never wake up again. Eventually, I couldn’t help but fell asleep and woke up around 6am. Each hour the nurses had to check my temperature and my pulse which was very annoying as I wasn’t able to get some sleep.

I didn’t eat for the next two whole days because I was feeling sick from the medication. A nurse came into my room and told me that I had to be moved to another ward which they did. In the new ward, another nurse introduced herself to my mum and I and had to explain a few important things which I don’t remember what it was about.

My mum noticed that I haven’t been eating and said to me that if I don’t eat, they won’t take the drip out of my hand so I managed to eat some ice cream and drink some lemonade. I didn’t really do much as there wasn’t a lot to do in my room beside watch TV. I wasn’t up to watching TV and went to sleep. I wake up a few hours later and found out my mum had to go out to do a few things and will be back to visit me in a few hours.

At this time, one of my arms was bothering me as it very stiff and was jerky and I had no control of it. Not sure what was the caused of this but I’m thinking it’s probably a reaction to the effects of the overdose or the medication. It reminded me of that time when I changed medications and tried a new medication but I had an allergic reaction to it and my arm had spasms so my mum and sister had to take me to the same Children’s hospital. It was a very scary experience as I had no idea what was going on.

My mum came back to visit me and stayed the night to keep me company so I wouldn’t be alone. I fell asleep again several times in the night but keep getting woken up by the nurses again when they checked my stats. Also sometimes the monitor will go off when the bag of saline is emptied, the nurse had to replace it with a new bag a saline for the IV.

The next day, I woke up around 7am and the hospital staff gave me some breakfast to eat and my appetite slowly came back. One of my sisters came to visit as she got back from her trip and I was happy to see her again. Other friends and family came to visit me as well as they heard what happened to me and I also kept getting messages and phone calls. It was nice to get some support from them because I was reflecting on my suicide attempt. A bit of me regrets taking the overdose but then a bit of me wished my suicide attempt worked.

One of the phone calls I received was from the assistant principal at my new school. She told me my parents informed her about my suicide attempt and she was very sad to hear what happened and the school sent me get well soon messages. She also said to come back whenever I’m ready to start which was nice of them to understand because I thought the school would be mad at me for missing my first day.

Later during the day, one of the doctors came to assess how I was going and had to make sure I was feeling safe. I told her I was feeling a lot better and didn’t feel suicidal and didn’t have any urges to hurt myself anymore. After the assessment, she was happy how I was going and said I could go home tomorrow but before they can discharge me, they had to have a psychiatric medical team evaluate me one last time. She also said I had to take two more blood tests to check my results. The first one they did was during the night but I didn’t felt any pain as they used the drip to take my blood.

The next one was during the next day (the day my dad comes back!)…because I have a fear of needles, the nurse who was taking my blood had to distract me by talking to me…I did felt a little bit of pain when she did but it didn’t hurt as much like the first one I did when arrived at the hospital.

One of my sisters came in to visit me again and because I was well enough, I could go around and explore the hospital. I bought some stuff at the shops inside the hospital and went back to my room. When I was resting on my bed, my dad came to surprise me and I was so happy to see him as he was away. He told me how worried I was which I felt bad for putting my family through.

On the last day, my dad asked the nurse went the psych medical team would see me and she said about half and hour. After waiting for half and hour, one of the doctors from the team finally came and see us and told us to go to another room. The medical team pretty much asked the same questions like what the ER doctors asked me on my first day and I answered the same questions. I also admitted to them I had a knife in my room and still had medication with and so the medical team suggested they should lock some of the access so I wouldn’t be able to do this again.

After the meeting, they said they were happy with my progress and I could get discharged straight which I was very happy about because I couldn’t stand being in the hospital. They arranged a follow-up meeting with my psychologist and psychiatrist just so they could check how I’m going. We went back to the ward and pack up my stuff. My parents and I thanked the staff for looking after me.

We left the ward and we were in the main lobby. Seeing the whole Children’s hospital, I didn’t realise how big it was and we also saw the emergency entrance where I got out of the ambulance. After leaving the hospital, we went straight back home.

This was probably one of the scariest experiences I went through as this was my first suicide attempt. It was also my first time being admitted into hospital for an emergency and I hate to go to through that again as it wasn’t fun at all but I was lucky to have the support I got from everyone including my family, hospital staff and friends. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here and I’m very grateful for that.

Thank you guys for reading and I also apologise if my story has upset anyone as I know it is dark. I just want to share my experience with people and hopefully reach to others who or knows anyone who is going through the same thing.

Be random but stay safe! ^_^

Today is a big day for me because it is the last day of my baking course at TAFE and I also face my final hurdle and that is my final practical exam on sweet yeast. It is a very anxious time for me because if I pass my exam, I’ll get a Certificate III in Retail Baking which I’m hoping it all goes well as some of you guys know I have a fear of failing.

Although, I did pass all my exams so far which I don’t know how I did for some of them and the ones I’m talking about is the previous prac exams I did last year because I just barely passed. My parents and my support network has been reminding me that I’ve done it before and I can do it again but I can’t help worry because of my anxiety disorder.

For those who have never done a practical exam, it is very stressful and intense especially when you have a time limit which will go fast. The exam I’m doing tomorrow, we have 5 hours to produce and finish our sweet yeast buns (Finger Buns, Cream buns, Danish Pastry & Brioche Buns) in that time limit…it sounds like it’s a lot of time but believe me, it’s not. It can also get frantic and a mad rush towards the end but thankfully I have a helper with me because I can be a bit slow due to my disability.

Also, if you are not fully prepared, well you better be because the last few exams I did, I was not prepared and that made me more stressful and anxious. This time, I’m prepared.

Anyway, to end this post and sorry it was a rush post as I didn’t have a lot of time to finish, thank you guys for your ongoing support when I was doing my baking course especially during the tough times and the exams. It’s been an up and down adventure and never thought I’d able to go through and finished this course (after today if I passed), let alone producing all this amazing food I’ve learnt.

Well, time to finish my course on a hurrah and conquer my final prac exam!

Be random but stay safe all! ^_^

Davo ^^

Hey guys,

I just thought I might do an introduction of myself to my new followers of Kawika In Sight. For those who don’t know me, my name is Davo (or “Random” Davo as what my mates call me) and I am the one who runs this blog. First, I want to warmly welcome you to Kawika In Sight and secondly, thank you for checking it out as it means a lot to me because I was not expecting to get more people to follow my blog.

A bit about me, I’m a 28 years old ABC (Aussie Born Chinese) guy that was born and raised in Sydney, Australia, a country that is far away from the rest of the world. Tho, my family and I did live in Shanghai, China for three years when I was a baby when my dad was working but my parents thought it would be best if my family settled in Sydney so we moved back to Down Under and here I am.

My family background is Hong Kong Chinese however though, my Cantonese is very limited due to my parents not teaching me the mother tongue language as I always mixed Cantonese, Shanghainese and English together and one of a child specialist suggested to my parents to teach me one language and that was English. Now I regret not learning it as a kid.

I am a second year student who is currently studying at TAFE (aka Technical and further education for non-Aussies) which is like college but it’s more hands-on and practical and I’m about to finish my Certificate III in Retail Baking (Combined) course in two weeks time. At the moment, I’m not working as I want to focus on my studies but I hope to run my own cake business one day as I am a passionate baker and a cooker which is one of the reasons why I’m doing my course.

Kawika In Sight is a personal blog where I like to share my stories with my followers. I have to warn you though that some of my stories can be quite dark and also be triggering because I’ve always had a difficult life. Since I was a child, I have depression and an anxiety disorder which is not easy to admit to people having a mental illness as I’m afraid people might judge me negatively. Doctors don’t know what caused my depression but they think one of the big factors is because of the severe bullying I went through in my primary and high school years and it pretty much traumatised me for life but I have finally moved on from that now.

When I first started Kawika In Sight back in March 2009, it was mainly for me to talk to talk about my feelings because the previous year in 2008, I was going through one of the darkest time in my life and I was at the lowest of the low as I was recovering from a year planned suicide attempt where I almost died but thanks to my family, they saved me in time. After surviving my suicide attempt, I never thought I get a second chance again and realised how lucky I am. If you want to hear more about it, you can check out my story at The Dark Truth.

Writing really helps me to express my thoughts and emotions because whenever I try talking to people about it, it can be very hard for me to explain to them what I want to try to say but I can’t. I’ve been writing for quite a long time now since my childhood and is one of my passions that has saved me many times.

After sharing my deepest and darkest secrets to my friends and family and getting the overwhelmingly positive feedback from them which I wasn’t expecting and they were inspired by my stories, I thought to myself why not reach out to those who are going through a similar situation like I am.

So I decided that the aim of my blog is to help and inspire people who are going or gone through struggles with life as I know life isn’t always easy. I don’t want them to feel like if they are all alone (like I was when I got bullied) which isn’t true and hope they can relate to some of my stories. At the same time, I also like to raise awareness of such difficult topics that can be taboo to the society and even people who don’t know much about it which is why I’m hoping to change that.

However, not all my post will be dark related themes as I like to talk about different topics or just life in general as I want to keep them interesting and a safe and family environment for everyone who visits Kawika In Sight.

Blogging is something I like to do from time to time but because I have a busy life, I am not as active as before like I was a few years ago so I can’t promise that I’ll be active all the time but I’ll try to blog whenever I can. I also need to let you know that it does take a lot of work and time on my writings and it also sometimes depends on my mood. I also want to apologise in advance if I make any mistakes in them because English and grammar are not one of my strong points even tho I love to write.

Oh, before I forget, I want to tell you guys the meaning of my blog’s name as I realised I haven’t explained it before. When my family and I went to Hawaii for a holiday when I was in Year 4, I bought a keychain as a souvenir that had my name in Hawaiian and I just thought it sounded cool so that’s why I chose Kawika. With the Sight, I feel like it connects to the vision and the eyes so what you’re reading on my blog is like seeing from my eyes from another perspective imagining if you were actually there so I created the name Kawika In Sight.

I hope this post has explained more about me and the purpose of my blog to those who are first timers here. Hope you guys enjoy my content and thank you for the massive support and inspiring me to blog for you guys. Feel free to give me feedback as I want to hear from my followers what they think about my writings. If you guys could please share this with others who may be interested in my blog, that would be much appreciated! Also, if you do like my blog and you’re not a follower already, click that follow button and hit that like button to like my Facebook page on the sidebar so you won’t miss any of my updates and post. You guys are awesome!

Be random but stay safe all! ^_^

Davo ^^