I’m putting a trigger warning as this post is dark and may be triggering for some people. The content I’ll be talking about is suicide, suicidality, past planned suicide attempts, mental health – depression/anxiety, grief and trauma.

If you are not in a safe place or are easily triggered, please do not read, otherwise, read with caution. If you are feeling suicidal or unsafe at any time, stop reading and please reach out for help as the last thing I want to do is triggering people. Your life is so important!

Please note, although the content I write about on my blog can be quite difficult to read, I feel like it’s so important for me to share my life experiences with others and especially now that we are living in a pandemic with COVID19 and mental health is on a rise. I notice there are still a lot of stigma and taboo with mental health and suicide in our society which is something you should not be ashamed of. That’s why I’m raising awareness of mental health so it can be talked about it more. Thanks for reading and now onto my post.

First of all, before you guys read about my milestone of the anniversary of my last suicide attempt, about a month ago during my term break from TAFE, I was in a really good place and probably the best place I’ve been in a long time since my relapse in last September where I heard the heartbreaking news that my friend Phoebe who I met in hospital in one of my admissions passed away. It really devastated and shocked me because she died so young and was about my age. That was really hard for me to deal because the last time I spoke to her in person, she was in a really good place. I have a lot questions that I’ll never have the answers to unfortunately but one thing I will never forget about Phoebe is how she was able to support me when I was at my lowest when I was in hospital in 2018.

One of my memories of us together is jamming on my guitar and we were both singing Radiohead’s Creep. It was embarrassing because I can’t sing that good and even though she also didn’t know the lyrics to the song, we managed to somehow able to sing Creep and we had fun. Oh Phoebe, I can’t believe that you’re still gone and wish I could have done something more.

Also, this was the fourth loss I’ve been through last year in two years which is very unusual for me to go through but since then, I have been working really hard to get to where I was especially with TAFE and everything was going so well the rest of last year and all this year. Because I was in a really good place, I was originally gonna do some blogging in the holidays since I had a lot of time but then everything just gone downhill. With the breaking news that NSW Government announcing the whole of Sydney and the nearby regions will be in lockdown due to the COVID Delta strain outbreak, that was really hard because had a lot of plans to do in the holidays and I’m sure that was the same for you guys and everyone else who lives in Sydney.

Plus hearing the unexpected news of several changes to my support network which just happened all in one week after I heard the news about the lockdown, it really shocked me and some of you guys know I’ve always struggled with change which can be a bit surprising for others to hear that because most people deal with change easier than others but for someone like me especially who struggles with mental health, it’s hard. I also had my first shot of Pfizer too (was very anxious about taking it after hearing people’s experience!) so I was feeling very fatigue, I had muscle soreness which didn’t help and this is also the time of the year when my mental health gets worse too during winter especially with today and dealing with past trauma.

Speaking of my milestone, today is the 18th anniversary of my first suicide attempt and lucky number 13th anniversary of my last suicide attempt where I almost successful succeeded so in other words, I almost didn’t survive and was dying but thanks to my dad and my sister, they were able to save my life. The ER doctor told me in ICU that I was lucky to be alive because if my family didn’t find me, I would have died.

I’m so thankful to be given a second chance as I feel like my life is worth living but then there’s that little voice in the back of my head saying…oh I should have died and my attempt should have worked. I have always wonder, what would have happened if my family didn’t find me in time because it could have be a totally different story and one I can’t imagine.

As most of you guys know, I have talked about this countless of times in my blog so I won’t be repeating again but for those who haven’t heard my story, I’ll add the links to it so you can read all about it.

My First Suicide Attempt (Fifteen Years Anniversary)

My Last Planned Suicide Attempt (Ten Years Anniversary)

As I mention earlier, this is the time of the year I struggle and to tell you the truth, I’ve just had a relapse with my depression and anxiety recently. It is very strange because I was able to get through the end of last year but with the things I have gone through in the last month especially the lockdown, it’s not easy. However though I’m so glad that this has happened to me because it was very strange and uncomfortable for me to be in a good place for a very long time and my support network was telling me that I was just waiting for something to happened to me because that is what I’m used to and that is struggling with my depression/anxiety.

The build up to today was difficult as I’ve been getting flashbacks of my last suicide attempt that can last for a few minutes. I’ve also been getting full on panic attacks and breaking down too with all the changes and thinking of the worst possible outcome from the changes. I’ve been getting nightmares again and being woken up from them having panic attacks again which is terrifying, something that I have experienced before a few years ago but haven’t had them in awhile. I’ve also been breaking down almost every day too which is unusual and I hate it when I do it in front of other people. Why? Well, it’s because of one of the school counsellors who I used to saw at my last high school before he left and he question me why am I crying all the time and telling me I was weak and stupid for crying. It’s like guys can’t cry but girls can. To be honest, I’ve always believed him maybe because I was still a young teenager back then and usually the counsellor always knows better.

To be honest with you guys, I can’t believe I have made it this far and I haven’t attempted suicide in thirteen years. Although what happened to me was very traumatic, I am now in a much better and safe place. I think in the early years after I attempted my last suicide attempt, it was a long road to recovery and searching my identify was a bit confusing but with each year that has gone pass by especially the last few ones, I’ve now able to handle it better and I’m slowly changing the way of living in the past to being in the present. I mean there are times where I still struggle a lot like and my support network said that’s okay but I’m coping so much better than where I used to keep going into hospital at this time of the year.

When I was talking to my current and past support network, they had an idea for me with the anniversary of my suicide attempt for each each year, to celebrate my life because I survived and was given a second chance at life which makes me realised how lucky I am. Just thinking how totally different it would be if my family wasn’t able to save me and I didn’t make it on that fateful night which is surreal thinking about it but I’m still here. I was actually planning to celebrate today with my family but because of COVID, I wasn’t able to this year which totally sucks but I can always to a proper one later on this year.

So what did I do today? Well, I saw my psychologist and that was very useful for me because we know today would be hard for me and I felt so much better after our session even though it was hard. I won’t go into details but I’m starting to able have a clear mind and a view from another perspective. After the session, went to buy some lunch take away from Wild Caktus and it was good to see Paul the chef still working there but it was very different and quiet especially the traffic because of the lockdown. When I got home, I watched a bit of Netflix and recently I just started watching Lucifer which I’ve never seen before. I heard of reviews how good the TV show was so that’s why I was curious to see what was all the rave about and I’m so glad I did. The story telling was written well and the acting from the cast especially Tom Ellis were brilliant and boy, the comedy so hilarious!

After that, I thought I washed my car as I haven’t done it in a while. It took me a while to do it but it was kind of therapeutic actually just having some me time and being outside in the sun. Now my car looks like a brand new one after washing it but I was so tired. Then after that, I decided to start working on this post and had a bit of dinner that my mum made with family and we did a cheers to celebrate my life which was thoughtful of them and now I’m watching the Olyroos take on Argentina in a football match at the Tokyo 2020 Olympics on TV. To tell you the truth, usually it is hard sharing with my family what I’ve been through because I don’t want to worry them but it is really good to have their support and they are starting to understand and learn more better of my situation.

Well, I am gonna leave it there for today and apologies for not blogging in a year. I will talk about that in my next post. Also, I hope this post wasn’t too depressing or triggering as I know talking about suicide is very hard but it is something that is not done enough of more as in talking about it. I also saw a report by ABC on TV last night on how many people are struggling with mental health and taking their own lives especially because of COVID and other reasons. The numbers really shocked me and that really really upsets me because this really hits close to home for me. I’ve been there before and it’s a very dark place to be in and it’s so freaking scary. You don’t want to be there.

I know the first time when Sydney was in lockdown last year, I was in a dark place and just relapse again after going so well again. There have been times where I did get suicidal thoughts but thankfully, I didn’t go through them and was able to have access to my support network.

For those who are struggling because of the COVID and all these lockdowns, please know that you are not alone as there are other people who are going through the same thing. I have spoken to many family and friends and they feel the same way as I was feeling. It’s hard being alone but being with other people and communicating through the technology is a great way to battle that. Keeping yourself busy like doing your usually hobbies or trying new things like baking or cooking will spent a lot of your time, even going out for exercise and being with nature is great for your mind and body too!

Finally, thank you guys for taking the time to read this. I hope to do more blogging again as I feel my blog really helps me to express what I’m writing and also share life experience with people. It’s like you guys are getting to know me more. Plus, I am living proof that you can get through the dark times and able to survive them all and that’s why I want people to know that they are not alone as I did feel really alone in my childhood. I just want to say a huge thanks for those who are supporting me at the moment and for being there for me. I’m really grateful to have that support and I’m so glad to have you all in my life.

Be random but stay safe during these strange times we’re in!