Before you guys start reading, I want to let you know this will be a very emotional post to blog about and extremely difficult for me to share as it is very personal but I want to inspire people with my milestone which is why I’m posting this.

As I always do with all my posts depending on the content I write, I’m going to put a trigger warning as this post particular is quite dark and might be quite distressing for some people. The content I’ll be talking about is suicide, suicidality, past suicide attempts, near suicide attempts, bullying, hallucinations and losses.

If you are easily triggered, please do not read, otherwise, read with caution. If you are feeling suicidal or unsafe at any time, stop reading and please reach out for help as the last thing I want to do is triggering people. Your life is so important!

“David, you are very lucky to be alive because you almost had permanent damage to your organs as the amount of the overdose you took was dangerously high and if your family didn’t find you in time, you would have not survived.”

Those are the words that I’ll never forget when one of the ER doctors told me after surviving my fourth and last suicide attempt and yes, David is my real name but I prefer to be called Davo as I find David a too common name.

Anyway, as most of you readers know or maybe those who don’t even know, today is a very emotional day for me because today, it’s the fifteenth anniversary of my first suicide attempt and also the tenth anniversary of my last suicide attempt. 22nd July 2003 and 22nd July 2008 – both dates I’ll never forget what happened on those two daunting nights.

*WARNING*

The next few paragraphs contain my first and last suicide attempt. If you are feeling suicidal and not feeling safe at the moment, PLEASE do not read as I don’t want to trigger you. Reach out for help as your life matters. Just wanted to warn you guys as this may trigger some people, otherwise, read with caution

For those who don’t know about my story and I know this will be shocking for some of you but I have severe depression and an anxiety disorder since I was at a very young age. When I was thirteen, I tried to kill myself for the first time by taking an overdose on my medications because of the bullying I went through in primary and high school, I was failing school, fighting with friends and family at home and been getting these unusual hallucinations since I was five years old. Luckily, it wasn’t a serious attempt as I survived. If you want to hear more about it, I have blogged about it which you can read here -> My First Suicide Attempt (Fifteen Years Anniversary)

Five years later on the same exact day, I tried to kill myself again in a suicide attempt when I planned in a year advance and I almost lost my life ten years ago coz of a lethal overdose I took. At that time, I was at the lowest of the lowest point in my life. I was struggling with TAFE, my grandma passed away after I graduated from Year 12, I was still grieving over my first dog’s death (my first real loss to death), my hallucinations were getting worse and my football (aka soccer) team were playing poorly and I was under a lot of pressure to perform as I was a striker. Again, if you want to hear more of my story, I have blogged about it which you can read here -> My Last Planned Suicide Attempt (Ten Years Anniversary)

I don’t know if you guys know this but both my first and last suicide attempt happened at the same exact day (on a Tuesday) and at a similar time. Why did I plan this? At that time, I felt like I should have died with my first suicide attempt and ever since I survived my first attempt, I have always wanted to try to kill myself again on the same or around the same date including my other two suicide attempts. In total, I have tried to kill myself four times and amazingly survived them all.

I still remember everything with both my first and last suicide attempts as like if it was yesterday except the times when I blacked out but 2008 is probably more significant for me because it was the day I almost died and it was just a traumatic thing to go through, something no one should ever go through. One of the scariest things is I still have flashbacks of blacking out several times at home and waking up being in and out of consciousness because of the side effects of the overdose I took.

Still hearing the words from one of the ER doctors when I was recovering in the ICU in hospital that I almost died,  it really hit me. I was so close to death because of the lethal overdose I took on my medication and I was lucky that I didn’t get any permanent damage to my body. It was all thanks to my family who was there at the time when I tried to kill myself.

*WARNING*

The next few paragraphs contain suicidality, near suicide attempt. Again, please do not read if you are feeling suicidal and not feeling safe at the moment, otherwise, please read with caution as this may trigger some people. I also apologise in advance that the things I have said is dark.

A decade later on and I am still here well alive and I never thought today would come. Since then, not once I have attempted suicide which is incredible and it’s the longest time I haven’t done it but that’s not to say I still get these dark thoughts to kill myself particularly during this time or when my depression gets worse.

I know this will be difficult for you guys to hear this from me but sometimes a bit of me wished my last suicide attempt did work because I feel guilty that I survived. I also know this will be dark and people might judge me for this but I can’t say if I’ll ever attempt suicide again or not as sometimes I feel like life would be better off without me so no one has to worry about me anymore. By the way, I’m not saying I’m actually gonna do it but I’ve always had these thoughts at a very young age in my childhood.

I know I’ve mentioned this before but I’m gonna mention again, I remember when I was seven years old, there was one day I had enough of life and felt like life would never get better. I got bullied, I was failing primary school, I had these hallucinations and never told anyone about it, I was fighting with almost everyone and felt like people hated me. So one day, I grab a knife in the kitchen and I was about to…*siGhz*…attempt suicide with it. Yep, you heard it…but luckily, someone almost walked in on me and I instantly put the knife down. I was so close to attempting my first suicide attempt at seven years old and I was still a kid back then. I don’t know what would have happened if I did try but I’m glad that it didn’t.

Because guys, you know what? I’m so glad that I’m still alive and I know if my last suicide attempt did succeed, it would have devastated a lot of people especially my family and close friends. I mean I wouldn’t even be here blogging or even people trying out my yummy food (as I’m now a baker’s chef) I have been making in the last few years. Sorry, I had to say that haha but you guys get the point.

I now realised how lucky I am to have a second chance at life because to tell you guys the truth, I’m now at the highest of the highest point in my life and have never felt this way before.  It’s just a coincidence and still can’t believe that a decade ago I was at the lowest of the lowest and almost lost my life but now, I’m living life to the fullest and never been so grateful.

*WARNING END*

In the last few years, I’ve been hearing more stories of people killing themselves on the news especially teenagers and young kids because of the different issues they went through and a lot had to do with bullying. This makes me really upset because I can totally relate to them and I always think back to my first suicide attempt and also that near suicide attempt when I was seven. Also recently, there are even well-known celebrities have been known to dying by suicide which can be a shock for everyone because they look happy and seem normal but deep inside, they’re not. With the amount of pressure being in the spotlight, I can imagine it isn’t easy.

I know how hard life is and you wonder if life would get any better because there have been times where I thought my life was never gonna get better and one of them was my last suicide attempt. After getting help after nearly dying, I realised help was out there and it was a long hard road to recovery. I actually didn’t even know who I was anymore after my suicide attempt and I was so confused about what to do with my life. It took a while to do a lot of soul-searching but thankfully, the support I got from my family, support network and friends were there for me and even that major jaw-surgery I had eight years ago [which you can read at Life Changing Experience & Three Years Gone By (Jaw Surgery)] changed my life forever.

If anyone is struggling with their life, I strongly urge you to reach out for help whether if it’s a big problem or even a small one. Talk to someone you trust like your family or friends. If that doesn’t work, talk to a professional like a doctor or a teacher or whoever. If it’s hard for you to talk, write it down.  There are also helplines out that are private and confidential and usually it’s free depending on where you are.

Also, in some cases, if your life or somebody else’s life is in danger, there is a duty of care in place and they must legally tell someone your situation whether is the higher authorities or your parents/legal guardian (if you’re underage) as it’s their responsibility to get immediate help. This happened to me many times when I was in high school even when I told my support network not to tell someone but please don’t let that put you off as they’re trying to protect you.

If you or somebody else is feeling suicidal or risk in harming your/themselves, please reach out for help immediately by telling someone. If you or someone require immediate help, please call your local emergency number or go to the closest A&E department or hospital. They should be able to assist you in any need coz your life is so important even tho it might feel like it’s not. Though I may not know you, I do care about you because I don’t want anything bad happen to you.

I do not want people to feel ashamed of talking about their issues and being silence especially suicide. I was like that before. I never told anyone what was going in my childhood until luckily I was able to reach out in Year 8 thanks to Kids Helpline (a free counselling service in Australia). Having a mental illness doesn’t make you crazy or weak, it’s a serious illness that needs to be treated. I’m not afraid to admit I have depression and anxiety, does that make me crazy? No but I’m glad I got the help I needed and here I am ten years later as a suicide attempt survivor. I also hope one of my close internet friends don’t mind quoting her but…

“Suicide is a silent killer because it is NOT talked about enough”

That is definitely true and that is why I’m raising awareness of suicide and mental illness even if it’s a “taboo’ topic to some people and people can judge me if they want (it’s their opinion) but that’s the reason why I have my blog Kawika In Sight so hopefully I can reach out to them.

Before I end, I want to do a special shoutout to my family for being there for me and saving my life. If it weren’t for you guys, I wouldn’t be alive and I can’t thank you enough and I’m so grateful to have a loving family. I know we’ve had our differences in the past but I’m glad that you guys are starting to understand my life more and more and I’m so sorry what I have put you through as I never meant any of it.

I also like to thank my support network for always being there for me as well and appreciated the time and dedication to supporting me in a lot of ways. Their professionalism has been fantastic and there were even times they saved my life.

I have so many people to be thankful for but it would be too long to list them all so I apologise if I didn’t list you but you guys know who you all are. I’m so glad to have you guys in my life and I’m very grateful for all your support. If it weren’t for you guys, I wouldn’t be standing where I am today and I really mean that.

Also, sorry I have not posted in a month as I needed to take a break from finishing my TAFE course after one and a half years. It’s been very hectic especially all the early mornings and late night practicals but I am also proud to say I finally passed my course (including all my theory & prac exams!) and achieved a Certificate III in Retail Baking and now a Baker’s Chef. To those who have supported me when I was studying, thank you so much for supporting and believing in me as it really helped me got through the stressful times coz you guys are awesome!

Thank you guys again for reading as it means a lot to me. I know this post was darker than usual but that’s because I was being very honest and I apologise again if I did upset anyone as I didn’t mean to.

Please feel free to give me feedback whether you like it (totally fine if you don’t as it’s your opinion but don’t bash me) as I always love to hear what people think about my writings.  If you guys could please share this with others who may be interested in this post or even my blog, that would be much appreciated as this will help my blog to grow and I can inspire people with more of my stories.

You are all amazing people! Don’t ever forget that!

Be random but stay safe! ^_^