Yesterday was my birthday and I am now 26. Another year older and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it. I know birthdays are suppose be a special occasion but for me, sometimes it can be a difficult time.
Some people may find it hard to understand why birthdays can be hard for someone like me. Okay so I don’t want to be a party crasher or anything but living with a mental illness kind of changes everything. Let me explain and don’t worry, this post won’t be all depressing as it has a happy ending!
Growing up as a kid, I always look forward to my birthdays because it’s a special time. You’ve got your family and friends celebrating your birthday with you and they give you birthday cards and presents. I remember in primary school, my mum would always bake cupcakes for my birthday every year and I’d always bring them to school so I can share them with my class. Even my Year 5 teacher took a photo of me and my class holding the cupcakes and it was in the yearbook which was a big surprise for me as I wasn’t expecting it.
I also remember my family organising my birthday parties every year inviting some of my primary school friends. There was one year that I had my party at this awesome place for little kids and I think some of you guys know this place I’m talking about. The name of the place was Kids Sport (or was it spelt as Kids Spot?). I don’t know if they still have it or not but they had these awesome games for us to play which was fun and they provided our own room for us with food and drinks. Even though I did have a difficult childhood, surprisingly my birthdays would make me happy.
But then when the high school years came, it’s was a different story. After finding out that I had finally been diagnosed with depression, pretty much my depression took over my life and that made my birthdays hard to celebrate. Getting bullied by other students, failing at school, life at home was tough, going through many losses and being in and out of hospitals for my safety, it was tough. I won’t go into detail as I have already talked about it in that inspiration dark story.
There were birthdays where I didn’t feel like celebrating because I felt like I wasn’t that important and that I didn’t really matter to anyone. You know how you’re supposed to feel “special” on your birthdays? Well, I didn’t really feel special. People didn’t understand why I was feeling like that but it was my depression that was making me feel like that and of course, I was a teenager back then and we all know how hard that can be.
Even though I didn’t feel like celebrating, I still did anyway by going out to dinner with family and partying with friends on the weekends. I guess over the years when I was in school, things did improve. That was when I finally graduated from high school which was a massive achievement because I was that close to dropping out of school several times. That was also the year I just turned 18. I didn’t have a massive party but only a small party with my close school friends. I also celebrated my birthday by going out to dinner at my favourite restaurant with my family and relatives.
Nine days after my 18th birthday, I found out that my grandma passed away and that broke my heart into a million pieces. At that time, I knew my grandma’s health wasn’t getting any better but I wasn’t expecting her to leave so suddenly. The last time we went out as a family was actually at my 18th birthday dinner believe it or not and that will be cherished with me forever.
Life after school wasn’t that great. Still struggling with my grandma’s death and among other things, I was at the lowest of the lowest point in my life when I tried to kill myself on the 22nd July 2008 (which I won’t explain what happened again as you guys already know).
At that point, being in hospital made me realise that I couldn’t keep living like this and that I needed professional help. Thankfully I was able to get the support I needed but recovering from my suicide attempt was a very difficult and confusing time for me. I was doing a lot of soul searching because I didn’t know who I was and what was going on with me. That suicide attempt was a real wake up call for me after I found out that I nearly died because I didn’t want to actually kill myself but I wanted to kill the pain I was going through.
One year later after my 18th birthday was my 19th birthday and it wasn’t that great to tell you the truth as I had to spend my birthday in hospital.
Because I was going through a difficult and confusing time and still recovering from my last planned suicide attempt, I had another plan to kill myself on my 19th birthday. Fortunately, it didn’t go to plan as one of the day support groups I was in, the psychologist who was leading the group found out about it. How she found out was because I was having a mental breakdown on that day and she knew something was very wrong so I had to tell her what was going on.
After telling the group psychologist what my plan was, she was very worried about me and had to get the group psychiatrist (one of the doctors who runs the same support group) to come down and talk to me. I don’t really remember the exact conversation we had as this was seven years ago but all I remember was him saying that I had to be admitted into hospital because of how serious my situation was. Yay! Back into hospital again and he had to contact my family and my support network about what was going on as well.
Spending your birthday in hospital isn’t the best way to celebrate but now looking back on it, I can understand why they wanted me to go into hospital. I had to spend a few days there and surprisingly I was allowed to go out for dinner with my family on my birthday which was nice of them to do.
So as you can see, my birthdays haven’t been all that happy. I know I’ve said this in my previous birthday post but the thought of getting older kinda scares me because I feel like I haven’t been able to achieve the goals I wanted to achieve. There is also that fear of failure and expectations as well. Now that I’m 26, I feel like I’m way behind where I wanted to be because I’m still struggling with my depression.
To be honest, the months, the weeks and the days leading up to my birthday yesterday, I was actually anxious because well, I don’t know if my 19th was gonna be a happy or unhappy one. When I think of my birthdays, I tend to think “depressing” because of how my depression took over my life and it just reminds me of past failures and all the struggles I’ve been through.
But now looking back on my life and what I’ve been through, I’m still amazed that I’m still here and haven’t given up even when there were times I almost did. There were things that I was able to achieve which I felt like it was impossible to achieve because my depression was holding me back.
This year has also been tough for me which is why there hasn’t been much blogging all year and I just want to say sorry to you viewers for that. The many ups and downs I’ve had in 2015 have been an unbelievable ride and I can’t even explain what I’ve been through right now but with the support I’ve been getting from my support network, my family and close friends and of course you guys, it makes me appreciate life a lot more.
I know I said when I think of my birthdays, I think depressing but there also have been memorable birthdays I’ve had. My 21st has to be one of the highlights. When I turned 21, that was the year I just had my major jaw surgery and I wasn’t able to celebrate properly because I was still recovering from it and was on a strict diet which meant I couldn’t eat my favourite food. So, my whole family organised a surprise 21st when we were on our family trip which I had no idea about but it wasn’t really a surprise anymore because my nephew (being a cheeky boy) ruined the surprise and told me about it. It was pretty funny as his mother (my cousin) told him not to and I had to tell her about what happened.
There’s also my combined belated 21st/22nd party and when I mean belated 21st, I mean I wasn’t able to have my big party two years later because I was still recovering from my jaw surgery. Having my family and close mates celebrating my 21st properly with me was special and also very emotional. To hear from them that I have come a very long way and are proud of me hit home for me because they know how my life hasn’t been that easy.
So you guys are wondering, how was my birthday yesterday? Well, surprisingly, it turned out to be not as bad as I thought it would be. I went to the city with my support worker as we had a few things to do which was quite an adventure. We had to do a detour in the city where we wanted to go at one point because a train guard gave us the wrong directions haha but we got there in the end.
I also went out for dinner with my parents at Hog’s Breathe Cafe and it’s always nice going out with my parents. Even though my life hasn’t been easy for them, they have always been there for me from the start and not once did they ever give up on me so I’m very lucky to have my parents with me so thanks mum and dad!
And thank you guys for all the wonderful birthday messages I have received in the last two days! It made my birthday a lot more awesome and I really appreciated the support! You guys mean the world to me and without you guys, I don’t think I would be where I am in life right now.
Before I end this post if any of you guys are on Facebook and haven’t liked my Facebook page, please support it and give it a like by clicking here -> Kawika In Sight. It would be much appreciated! If you’re already a fan, thank you so much! You guys are awesome! I’ll see you all in my next post!
Be random but stay safe all! ^_^
Yesterday was my first day working with the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA) and I have to say it’s a relief that my first day is over. Before I started my internship, I was very anxious because it was my first day. I seem to be more anxious than most people because of my anxiety disorder but it wasn’t bad as I thought it would be actually. I didn’t really get much sleep on Sunday night as I only slept for four and a half hours and waking up early in the morning didn’t really help me either.
Getting to the ACMA’s office (based in Pyrmont) was surprisingly easy. I had to catch the early morning train to Town Hall and get off there and follow Google Map which took me through Darling Harbour and then to their office. It only took about a 20-minute walk which I thought it would be far away but it wasn’t. So all that panicking trying to figure out how to get there was all for nothing!
Anyway, once I got to their office, there were a few people I had to meet and had to go through the paperwork with me like with the registration, getting my photo taken for security reasons etc. and I even got my own tag as well which is awesome! After all the paperwork was done, I was introduced to the people who I’ll be working within the next few weeks and they were welcoming and friendly. I was told that the person who was supposed to be looking after me was sick and they had to get one of the managers to take over the day.
I didn’t really do much the whole morning because it was mainly the introduction and they explained to me what the ACMA is all about, what they do etc. and it was a lot to take in! Their office was pretty big as it took the whole floor of the level. They also have a lot of employees working there but it’s not as big as SBS but much bigger than BBC in Beijing. The area I was working in was Media and they had an amazing view of Darling Harbour and the Harbour Bridge.
Lunch break went for an hour and a half which was quite a long break so I just walked around in Darling Harbour enjoying the sunny weather. After lunch break, they allocated me with one of their video editors and she showed me what videos they and their pre/post-production as well. It was interesting to see what they do. I had to help them to brainstorm some ideas for a video which was a bit difficult at first because I’m not the best at creative ideas and It took me a while to figure out what to do. I did finally manage to get a few ideas down tho with the help of my case worker (who was with me for the first day) before I finished work (thank goodness!) but it probably wasn’t my best work to be honest.
It has been a big learning curve for me on my first day because it’s different from the work I’m used to doing. I guess that’s good because I’m actually learning something but it has been tough! Thankfully, the people I worked with was understanding about my anxiety and how it was my first time working with them.
Overall, it’s a good start for my internship but I know I could have done better. Hopefully, next week will be better!
Thanks again for the support during this time! It means a lot! I’ll be back with another post tomorrow and this one is gonna be emotional as it’s my birthday tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I’ll be starting work experience with the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA). This is very exciting news as I am able to get another opportunity to get work. For those who don’t know ACMA, they are the Australian government body who regulates and supervises the media and communication sectors.
How it came about is that a service provider was finally able to find some work experience for me after months of looking for work. That’s pretty much it really. I’m not actually sure what work I will be doing but I think it could be similar to some of the past work experience I have done with BBC like admin work or something. This is what I’m assuming. I’ll be working with the ACMA for four days but will be spread out into four weeks.
Though I’m not gonna lie, I am very very anxious starting tomorrow mainly because it will be my first day and I have a fear of the unknown. I don’t know what I’ll be expecting, I don’t even know anyone there. It’s just a totally new environment for me, you know?
Another thing is, this will be my first time working in the city as they are based in the CBD of Sydney. It’s a bit scary because I have to find out how to get to their office especially during the morning peak hour which I’m not used to.
Anyway, I don’t want this to all sound negative because I know (and people tells me) it is good for me in the long run for experience and it’s another challenge I welcome. Maybe I’m just worrying over nothing. I’ve just always been an anxious person since I was a kid and every time I start something new whether it’s study or work, I get anxious which apparently is normal.
Hopefully, tomorrow will all go well and who knows what tomorrow will bring. I’ll keep you all updated with my work experience in the next few weeks. Thank you guys for your ongoing support like always! Very much appreciated! I’m also working on a few more posts which hopefully will be up this week. Stay tuned guys!
Be random but stay safe all!
Thank you for reading this warning as the last thing I want is triggering people.
On 22nd July 2014, I told the universe my story. A dark story that is very personal to me and never thought I would tell people about it. Why is it personal is because not many people understand it and it can look down upon. The dark story I’m talking about is my depression.
22nd July is the anniversary of my first and last suicide attempt. Usually, this is one of the days I don’t look forward to because of what I went through. My depression tends to get worse that time of the year and it seems to be happening every year. I still remember the first time I tried to kill myself back in 2003. It was a very scary experience because I was only thirteen at that time (which is young!) and of course it was my first suicide attempt and didn’t know what was going on. Luckily though, it wasn’t that serious but it was a different story for my last suicide attempt.
My last suicide attempt in 2008. I won’t explain what exactly happen again since I’ve already explained it but I always get these flashbacks of what happened on that night because it the most traumatic thing I ever have gone through in my entire life. The doctor who treated me when I was recovering in the ICU in hospital said if I wasn’t found in time after I tried to kill myself, I would have been dead. You know, hearing those words was chilling and it still is to this day.
I’m thankful that I’m still alive but I’m not gonna lie, there’s still a little bit of me wish that I did die on that day and would have been easier if I did slip away. Maybe it’s my depression that is making me feel like that. Anyway, I don’t want this post to be all negative and I don’t want to upset and trigger people.
So the build-up to this year’s anniversary was very hard because not only I was getting flashbacks but I was also going through a very difficult time. After talking to my support network and a close friend of mine, I now realise that I can’t keep living in the past and have decided to take the first step by moving on from my past and celebrate my life in a positive way. This might not seem a big deal for people but for me, it is.
It wasn’t easy to move on because I seem to have a trouble of letting go of things especially with the past because otherwise, it wouldn’t be right if I just kept going on and on without looking forward to the future and the present. Well, that’s what my support network has told me. The past is the past and I know I can’t change anything about it. Even though the things I have been through was very hard and no one should ever go through, I have conquered them all and have been able to achieve remarkable things in my life. Things that I wouldn’t even dream of achieving.
There are still days where I still struggle with my depression but I think it makes me a stronger and better person for it. People say I have come a long way and I have grown more mature and they’re right, I have come a long way especially in those seven years since that very dark night.
Thank you guys for your awesome support! It means the world to me and a special mention to those who have been with me since the beginning of my journey. It’s been one wild ride and I don’t think I’d be here without you guys so thank you for not giving up on me.
Before I wrap up, I’d like to apologise for not being active on here as these last few months has been very tough for me. I’ve gone through ups and downs and been struggling with my depression.
To leave on a positive note, I have some big news to share. So I found out that I’ll be going to Canada, Cuba and Hong Kong next month for my next big adventure which I will blog about it more later on! This is very exciting news and can’t wait for this trip! ^_^
Be random but stay safe!