My First Suicide Attempt (Fifteen Years Anniversary)
Before you guys start reading, I just want to let you all know I originally wrote this back all the way in 2003 and shared it with specific family and friends. For those who remember reading it, I want to sincerely apologise for that because looking back on it, it was so terrible and cringy. I had no idea what I was talking about and never ever would I do that again but to be fair, I was still young back then and still learning how to write.
Because it was probably one of my worse writings, I had to retype it again and had to change a few things. Also, some of the detail stuff I wrote fifteen years ago, I actually forgot about because it was a long time ago and this is also the first time I’ll be sharing to the world so, for most of you guys, this will be new. I found this copy in my file a long time ago and I was surprised to find it again because I deleted the article in the middle of high school as it was so bad, I felt really ashamed of it but my parents kept a copy after all these years. I’m kind of glad they kept a copy but at the same time, I don’t think I’ll ever read the original again.
I’m also going to put a trigger warning as this is about suicide and the main content I’ll be talking about is my past experience with my first suicide attempt and my recovery in hospital. There are also mentions of the words bullying and hallucinations. If you are easily triggered, please do not read, otherwise, read with caution. If you are feeling unsafe at any time, please reach out for help as the last thing I want to do is triggering people.
Thank you for your attention!
22nd July 2003 was the first time I tried to kill myself. Back then, I was in Year 8 and was about to start my second high school because I was getting bullied at my old high school and my first psychiatrist suggested to my parents I should change schools.
Before starting at my new school, my late auntie took me out to watch Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines at my local cinema while my mum and grandma went somewhere else and the movie was pretty good I think, tho I don’t remember much of it because it was a long time ago. After the movie, my auntie and I met up with my mum and grandma and had lunch together.
Later in the late arvo at home, my mum and my sister had to go out somewhere which I don’t remember where they went but when they were out, I had a plan of running away from home because I hated my life and felt like nothing will get better. I quickly packed all my stuff and walked towards the park until my mum and sister saw me and asked what I was doing. I just lied to them that I wanted to go out for a walk so they gave me a lift and went back home. My mum gave me a haircut and went to work later that night was she works night shift.
The next few paragraphs contain my first suicide attempt and my recovery in hospital. If you are easily triggered and not feeling safe at the moment, PLEASE do not read as I don’t want to trigger you. Just wanted to warn you guys as this may trigger some people so please read with caution.
Around 10:30 pm, I went to the kitchen and grab my medication from the pantry. I took a few at a time and I told one of my ex-internet friends what was I doing but she didn’t really understand what was going on with me so I kept continuing on taking my medication. When I was about to take the next lot of tablets, I rang one of my youth leaders and told him what was going on. He was pretty shocked and told me to give my mobile to my sister which I did and he told her was happening and rang my mum straight away as she was at work.
My mum came home quickly and dial Triple Zero for an ambulance which came pretty fast. When the ambo arrived, my mother explained to the paramedics was going on and they told me I had to go straight to the children’s hospital which I refused at first because I dislike and have a fear of going to hospitals (had many past surgeries) but I eventually agreed to go anyway.
When I arrived at the hospital, the paramedics told the ER doctors about my suicide attempt and the overdose I took. After the briefing, the doctors came to assess me and asked why I was here, why I took the overdose and what was happening. I don’t really remember what I told them but I think I told them about my past bullying, I was starting a new school the next day and my hallucinations I had since I was five. I also denied to them that I didn’t take an overdose just so I could escape out of the hospital but obviously that didn’t work.
Because they didn’t have a lot of time because of the mediation in my body, they had to quickly check my body stats like my weight, height, my heart rate etc. After the assessment, they told me I had to drink activated charcoal that would get rid of the toxins in my body. This activated charcoal I heard about it before in an article and they said the taste wasn’t that good. I refused to drink it but they tried to persuade me putting ice cream to help with the taste.
Before I was about to take it, I had to go to the bathroom to calm myself down as I was feeling very strange probably because of the overdose I took. After getting out of the bathroom, the nurse said it was too late to drink the activated charcoal. Because of that, the ER doctor had more questions to asked me and said I had to take a blood test which I had a big fear of taking needles.
My mum rang my dad to tell him about my suicide attempt because he was overseas at that time and his reaction was shocked. He called my mobile straight away but I couldn’t answer it because I was feeling the effects of the amount of my medication I took.
One of the hospital staff came to do my blood test and in the middle of it, I was feeling groggy and blacked out completely around midnight. This was my first time blacking out and it was scary as hell. I woke up an hour later and found out I had a drip in my hand. My mum was there when I woke up and told me my dad tried to call me because he was worried about me and left me a message on my voicemail. I rang my voicemail to listen to his message and said he will be coming home as soon as possible. I also just found out that the police were sent to my house to check if everything was okay because of my suicide attempt. I don’t even know what happened to the police in the end as I was in hospital.
Around 3am, my mum took my sister home as she had school the next day and so the nurses had to look after me. When my mum left, I was feeling scared and alone because this was the first serious overdose I took and it was also my first suicide attempt. I started to feel very sleepy but was afraid to go to sleep as I thought if I sleep, I’ll die and never wake up again. Eventually, I couldn’t help but fell asleep and woke up around 6am. Each hour the nurses had to check my temperature and my pulse which was very annoying as I wasn’t able to get some sleep.
I didn’t eat for the next two whole days because I was feeling sick from the medication. A nurse came into my room and told me that I had to be moved to another ward which they did. In the new ward, another nurse introduced herself to my mum and I and had to explain a few important things which I don’t remember what it was about.
My mum noticed that I haven’t been eating and said to me that if I don’t eat, they won’t take the drip out of my hand so I managed to eat some ice cream and drink some lemonade. I didn’t really do much as there wasn’t a lot to do in my room beside watch TV. I wasn’t up to watching TV and went to sleep. I wake up a few hours later and found out my mum had to go out to do a few things and will be back to visit me in a few hours.
At this time, one of my arms was bothering me as it very stiff and was jerky and I had no control of it. Not sure what was the caused of this but I’m thinking it’s probably a reaction to the effects of the overdose or the medication. It reminded me of that time when I changed medications and tried a new medication but I had an allergic reaction to it and my arm had spasms so my mum and sister had to take me to the same Children’s hospital. It was a very scary experience as I had no idea what was going on.
My mum came back to visit me and stayed the night to keep me company so I wouldn’t be alone. I fell asleep again several times in the night but keep getting woken up by the nurses again when they checked my stats. Also sometimes the monitor will go off when the bag of saline is emptied, the nurse had to replace it with a new bag a saline for the IV.
The next day, I woke up around 7am and the hospital staff gave me some breakfast to eat and my appetite slowly came back. One of my sisters came to visit as she got back from her trip and I was happy to see her again. Other friends and family came to visit me as well as they heard what happened to me and I also kept getting messages and phone calls. It was nice to get some support from them because I was reflecting on my suicide attempt. A bit of me regrets taking the overdose but then a bit of me wished my suicide attempt worked.
One of the phone calls I received was from the assistant principal at my new school. She told me my parents informed her about my suicide attempt and she was very sad to hear what happened and the school sent me get well soon messages. She also said to come back whenever I’m ready to start which was nice of them to understand because I thought the school would be mad at me for missing my first day.
Later during the day, one of the doctors came to assess how I was going and had to make sure I was feeling safe. I told her I was feeling a lot better and didn’t feel suicidal and didn’t have any urges to hurt myself anymore. After the assessment, she was happy how I was going and said I could go home tomorrow but before they can discharge me, they had to have a psychiatric medical team evaluate me one last time. She also said I had to take two more blood tests to check my results. The first one they did was during the night but I didn’t felt any pain as they used the drip to take my blood.
The next one was during the next day (the day my dad comes back!)…because I have a fear of needles, the nurse who was taking my blood had to distract me by talking to me…I did felt a little bit of pain when she did but it didn’t hurt as much like the first one I did when arrived at the hospital.
One of my sisters came in to visit me again and because I was well enough, I could go around and explore the hospital. I bought some stuff at the shops inside the hospital and went back to my room. When I was resting on my bed, my dad came to surprise me and I was so happy to see him as he was away. He told me how worried I was which I felt bad for putting my family through.
On the last day, my dad asked the nurse went the psych medical team would see me and she said about half and hour. After waiting for half and hour, one of the doctors from the team finally came and see us and told us to go to another room. The medical team pretty much asked the same questions like what the ER doctors asked me on my first day and I answered the same questions. I also admitted to them I had a knife in my room and still had medication with and so the medical team suggested they should lock some of the access so I wouldn’t be able to do this again.
After the meeting, they said they were happy with my progress and I could get discharged straight which I was very happy about because I couldn’t stand being in the hospital. They arranged a follow-up meeting with my psychologist and psychiatrist just so they could check how I’m going. We went back to the ward and pack up my stuff. My parents and I thanked the staff for looking after me.
We left the ward and we were in the main lobby. Seeing the whole Children’s hospital, I didn’t realise how big it was and we also saw the emergency entrance where I got out of the ambulance. After leaving the hospital, we went straight back home.
This was probably one of the scariest experiences I went through as this was my first suicide attempt. It was also my first time being admitted into hospital for an emergency and I hate to go to through that again as it wasn’t fun at all but I was lucky to have the support I got from everyone including my family, hospital staff and friends. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here and I’m very grateful for that.
Thank you guys for reading and I also apologise if my story has upset anyone as I know it is dark. I just want to share my experience with people and hopefully reach to others who or knows anyone who is going through the same thing.
Be random but stay safe! ^_^
Pingback: Suicide Attempt Survivor: A Decade Milestone | Kawika In Sight
Well Done For Sharing Your Story, You Are An Inspiration x