Before you guys start reading, I just want to say this post is one of the hardest posts I’ve ever written mainly because this is so personal to me and I feel like people may judge me for this as it can be controversial. I also noticed that I don’t rarely talk about this topic a lot because of the same reason and there may be some of you who don’t know this but I have mentioned it before in my previous posts. However, because this is important to me, I want to raise awareness about it and as well want to celebrate an achievement.

I’m also going to put a trigger warning as this can be triggering for people who may not understand it and anyone who does/used to do it. There will also be warning triggers in certain paragraphs of this post as some of them contain graphic details. The main content I’m talking about is self-harm (cutting, stabbing, hitting) but it also contains depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, bullying, past suicide attempts. If you are easily triggered, please do not read, otherwise, read with caution. If you are feeling unsafe at any time, please reach out for help as the last thing I want to do is triggering people.

As most of you guys know, my life has always been a difficult one but there may be some of you who still don’t know a lot about me. Background story for those who don’t know, I have depression and an anxiety disorder and if you want to hear more of my story, please check out The Dark Truth.

Living with a mental illness can be hard but how do I cope with it? Well, I self-harm or in other words, I deliberately hurt myself when I’m in emotional pain. There I said it. I know this is hard hearing someone you know hurting themselves, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling.  I also like to apologise to anyone if I upset them with my self-harm, believe me, it’s not easy.

I have been a self-harmer since at a very young age. I don’t really remember how it all started and to be honest, I thought I did but now after talking to some people, I think it started when I got bullied in primary school and I started hurting myself by stabbing myself with small pins, hitting myself like slapping in the face and even trying to break my bones. At that time, no one knew I was self-harming.

So why would anyone hurt themselves on purpose? It may be hard to understand for those who probably never heard of it or never done it themselves. For me, I do it for lots of reasons like the physical pain distracts me from the emotional pain, whenever I feel numb I need to hurt myself to feel alive and I also punish myself if I did something wrong.

Does self-harm hurt? Yes of course, physically it does but it also releases the intense feelings from the emotional pain. How does this work? Every time you feel pain “endorphins” will be released and these “endorphins” are like good hormones that your body naturally released whenever you hurt yourself and will give you a sense of relief. It’s kinda like taking drugs or smoking and that’s why it can be very addicting.

The main thing I want to talk about is my cutting because today is a big milestone for me. Today, I am finally 4 years cut free. So what that means I haven’t cut myself for 4 years and it’s the longest time I haven’t done it as well. It hasn’t been easy at all to get to where I am today.

Cutting is one of the most common methods of self-harm and it’s when you cut yourself with a sharp blade and it breaks the skin enough and it bleeds. I’m not good at explaining things so I apologise for that. Now I know that some believe it’s mostly girls who cut themselves but guys do it as well and I’m a guy. I’m also not ashamed to say it out loud.

The next few paragraphs contain details of my cutting. If you are easily triggered or not feeling safe, please don’t read. Just wanted to warn you guys as this may trigger some people so please read with caution.


I first started cutting myself when I was in Year 7 so I was about twelve years old. Home life was tough and school life was even tougher. At that time, I was struggling with my depression that no one knew about and I started a new high school at the beginning of the year because I just graduated from primary school in Year 6. I hated school and never liked it. I got bullied by two groups that came from the same primary school I went to, I was falling behind with my school work and there was a lot of fighting at home mainly because of me. People thought I was being moody or I wasn’t even trying hard enough which wasn’t true.

It wasn’t until one day I felt so down that I wanted to hurt myself badly so I came home and try to find something to hurt myself with and that’s when I saw a pencil sharpener. I ran up to my room and I tried to break the plastic which I had difficulty with but was able to do it eventually. I had the blade in my hand and I was afraid to do it because I haven’t done it before but I just did it anyway. The first time it was very painful but then the pain went away and had a relief from it. It was just one cut and then it started to bleed. I started to do it more and more until I couldn’t stand the pain and stopped. I then had a sense of relief afterwards and all those emotions I had inside in me was gone…temporarily that is.

I was surprised that I felt so much better after cutting myself and I started doing this every day and it just became a pattern. I don’t remember how I found out about cutting but it’s probably from reading a magazine or something. No one knew what was going on because I didn’t want anyone to know and wanted to keep a secret from them.

As the months go by, one day, someone noticed my cuts on my wrists and asked me what happened. I lied to them that a cat came into my house and scratch me while I was trying to get him out of my house and for some reason, they believed me and I was surprised because it didn’t look like a cat scratch. I started to become more careful in hiding my cuts from people as I didn’t want them to ask me about it.

When winter came, it was easy to hide because you’re wearing long sleeves but when it came to spring and summer, it was hard as it was getting hotter and hotter. I don’t remember how I was able to hide my scars during the hot months but I remember using my watch to hide it though, it wasn’t ideal because I was sweating and it became itchy to scratch. People started to become more suspicious of me wearing long sleeves all the time and question me, my answer to them that I was feeling cold…like yeah right! I had all these cuts on my arms and it was hard hiding them all.

Also, at this time I was talking to a free counselling service in Australia called Kids Helpline and they were the first people to know about my cutting which was pretty scary to admit because I’ve never talked to anyone about it. My first KHL counsellor, she was one of the best counsellors I’ve had because she was very supportive of me and very patient. She didn’t judge me at all and she was probably the one who encouraged me to get help.

So one day, I told my homeroom teacher about my cutting and showed her my cuts and she was very concerned so straight away, she took me to the school counsellor’s office. After having a small talk with the counsellor, she rang my parents to get me because obviously, the school have a duty of care since I was thirteen at that time and it was hard telling my parents about my self-harm. They were shocked too because I don’t think they knew anything about my self-harm and they just didn’t know how to react.

Anyway, the school counsellor suggested going to see a psychiatrist so we did that and after a few first meetings with him, he said that if I didn’t stop cutting, I’d have to be admitted into hospital but that didn’t really stop from cutting. At home, my parents tried to hide anything I would cut myself with like pencil sharpeners, a kitchen knife, razor blades and even scissors. They also even checked my arms for any cuts and that time I felt very invasive but now looking back, it’s only because they care for me. I have to admit we didn’t get along at the best of times even if I was a goodie goodie but I was going through my teenage years, the hardest years of all.


So I did ended up get medical treatment for my self-harm but then there were a lot of changes in my support network at the same time because I kept seeing different psychiatrist and psychologists. Reasons being my first psychiatrist moved to another hospital, the second one retired, the third one I didn’t get along with him at all and it was a similar story to my psychologists I saw. It was difficult because I wasn’t able to talk to anyone except for my local GP and KHL.

After changing schools again I started to hurt myself less because I had nothing to hurt myself with and wasn’t allowed. That’s because I went to a boarding school and this isn’t your typical school as it’s for adolescents with mental illness and they are quite strict. I boarded during the week and every time you board at the beginning of the week, the nurses would go through your personal belongings to check if they are any items that you can hurt yourself with and this was for safety measure and security.

To tell you the truth, I didn’t really enjoy the school at first because it was a very eventful one for my experience but I actually might talk about this in a separate post just because it’s quite a long story.

Fast forward to my last high school I went to, one day I was struggling and cut myself in the toilets and someone found out about it and told one of the teachers. Let’s just say the school wasn’t impressed with me and gave me a warning. Apparently, I was a risk to the other students because I had a “weapon” with me and I totally got that and lesson learnt. By the way, this was a one-off so kids, please don’t do what I did because it was quite serious but at least the school was understanding as they knew about my history of my depression and I should have reached out for help instead of hurting myself that day.

The next few paragraphs contains graphic details of my cutting, one of my past suicide attempts and a near suicide attempt. If you are easily triggered and not feeling safe at the moment, PLEASE do not read as I don’t want to trigger you. Just wanted to warn you guys as this may trigger some people so please read with caution.


There were a few times I had to be admitted for my cutting because I started to carve words into my body such as IHL (I Hate Life), DIE, Loser, Stupid, Fat and even one of my significant other’s name. I also carved shapes as well and I don’t know how it all started.

It got to one point where one day I had enough as I was going through a break up with a serious significant other (I know, stupid reason over a girl), failing school, kept fighting with family and friends and also my grandma was in hospital for heart failure. I decided to try to kill myself by cutting my wrists quite deeply and I was bleeding a lot coz the blood was going everywhere. You could even see the styro and the fat. One of my family members walked in on me when I was doing and had to get help because it was pretty serious. I was also supposed to start school the next day but didn’t even go as I was such a mess.

My dad took me to go to my GP and he referred me to a children’s hospital because he was concerned about my safety. We went home to get my stuff and we drove straight to the hospital. It was a very familiar place for me as I was there for my first suicide attempt and had an allergic reaction to one of my medications.

My dad and I waited for quite a few hours to see someone (I forgot how long we waited for but it was long) and finally, an ED doctor saw me. She just asked questions like why I was there and what was going on with my situation and I pretty much told her the truth and that’s basically everything of my life which is the first time telling someone. I also even told her and no one knows about this until now, there was one night that I was very suicidal and I held a razor blade to my throat but fortunately, I didn’t go with my attempt.


After talking until 2am, she felt that I need to stay in hospital so I was admitted into an isolation ward because I was risked to other patient’s safety as they didn’t want me to influence with my suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Basically, I had different nurses watching me in another room 24/7 in case I try to hurt myself or even try to kill myself. It was a big room as there was a bedroom, bathroom and a huge lounge area with a TV and Xbox.

Because of my situation, I had different doctors and psychologists seeing me and I don’t even remember how many came to see me. One of the psychiatrists that came to see me was my first psychiatrist which was a surprise. My GP also came to see me as well to check how I was doing but I don’t remember much of our conversations but it was good to see a few familiar faces. I only stayed there for five days it was a safe environment for me because I couldn’t hurt myself. I also missed two weeks of school because of my hospital admission and I even missed the Year 10 Ski Camp.

I have to admit, it’s tough telling you guys all these because I never talked about it on my blog in full detail until now and that’s scary. Maybe it’s because I had a bad experience telling people a very long time ago and they judged me for this and stopped being friends with me.

The second longest time I haven’t hurt myself was actually since my last suicide attempt on 22nd July 2008. I was at the lowest of the lowest point in my life a decade ago and for my longtime readers, you guys already know how hard that time was because I almost died. At that time, I was getting medical treatment and started going to day programs at several private psychiatrist hospitals. One of the programs I did that helped me stopped my self-harm was the DBT (aka Dialectical behaviour therapy).

Before I even started the DBT and this was also before my suicide attempt, I didn’t want to be in the program because I wasn’t ready to give up my self-harm but after surviving my suicide attempt, I realised that I needed help and I couldn’t live like this anymore.

I never told you guys this but I was also diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder (that has been treated) because I was in a very unstable mood, had a fear of abandonment. unstable relationships with other people, my self-harm was getting out of control and I was doing impulsive and risky behaviours. This was all because of the traumatic things I went through like the bullying.

I finally started the program later that year and it was very hard at first because they had strict rules like attending the group every week (unless you’re sick or something) and not able to hurt yourself while doing the program but after those first few months, you get used to it. The things we learnt got me to change my thinking and behaviour and for some reason, it actually worked. I might also blog about the different therapies I’ve gone through mainly because it’s a lot to talk about and I don’t want this post to get too long.

After a year of intense therapy, I was able to graduate from the program and I didn’t hurt myself all that time even there were times where I wanted to. I felt like I was a completely different person and I’m surprised that the therapy had a beneficial change on me.

In 2011, I had a relapse with my self-harm because I was involved in a minor car accident but I won’t go into detail about the accident. Tho, I will say it was a very frightening one and traumatic experience and I didn’t cope with it. After all the dramas with the car accident, I went back home and started cutting myself again. It was a big relief because it took my emotions away but I was devastated that I went back to my old ways and felt like I failed because I didn’t cut for 3 years, 1 months and 11 days (second longest time). I was going so good without having to cut myself for that long.

I was really struggling and had to talk to someone (which I don’t usually do) and that someone was one of my close schoolmates (which I won’t name for privacy reasons). After reaching out to her for support, she made me realised that and I hope she doesn’t mind me quoting her.

“A relapse is just another step along the road and it doesn’t make you a failure or weak, it just makes you a stronger human.”

Her words had a big impact on me and I believe her. Just letting you guys know I have a fear of failing and that’s why whenever I fail, I’m just so damn hard on myself but I’m a stronger human. I’m very grateful for my close school friend because she’s been there for me when I needed someone and she was one of the few who knew about the secrets I was hiding from the world. She also inspires me a lot and like me, she’s been through a lot of crap in her life and she doesn’t deserve that. A shout out to my friend, thank you for everything and I really hope you can better on the road to recovery! I admire your strength and believe in you!

It took me a long time to get over a car accident but I was still very traumatised from because whenever I drive, I was afraid I was gonna hit a car again. There were some days where I got my parents to drive me as I refused to drive. I even took the public transport instead which I absolutely dislike because of my social anxiety and being with other strangers.

My cutting was on and off as there was a period of times where I was able to stop hurting myself but then whenever I was struggling, I relapse and cut myself again. My parents suggested doing drama therapies and that helped me a lot because I was able to express myself through acting. I was also doing guitar lessons as well and it helped me to play my emotions out. At that time, I was studying my Multimedia course at TAFE and it was one of the best courses that I did (besides the retail baking course I’m doing now.)

After completing my Multimedia course at TAFE, there were a few struggles I was going through like changing support networks, getting fired from my first job (I won’t say why as it wasn’t my fault) not having a job even though I have been getting work experiences which weren’t enough and also in 2013 found out my second dog, Charlotte had cancer and had to put her down later that year. I also went on a study trip to Guangzhou in China with a group of other students and it was quite difficult because it was my first time on my own without my family and friends and I was still getting over Charlotte’s death. With all the changes, I kept cutting myself because that’s how I was able to cope even tho I learnt the skills in therapy, I didn’t use them.

The last time I cut myself was on 2nd June 2014 and that was before one of my hospital admissions. During that year, I found out I was almost at the age limit (age 25) where I couldn’t talk to Kids Helpline and that devastated me because KHL was a big support of my life. They were there for me when I needed to talk to someone and because I wasn’t seeing a psychologist at that time, they were my main support besides my psychiatrist. So my psychiatrist referred me to go to a day support group again (a group I attended before) and ever since then, I’ve never looked back.

Now these days, I don’t cut myself anymore and feel like I don’t need to. It was a big part of my old life. Today, I want to celebrate my life by finally be ready to move on from my cutting. This is bringing me mixed emotions as I’m gonna it miss it heaps because it helped me get through a lot of struggles especially during the high school years even tho it was damaging to me at the same time. I still have deep scars on my body even from the first day I started cutting sixteen years ago and I am not ashamed of them.

Though there have been a few times where people asked me about my scars and were a bit shocked by them. It can be very confronting for them but I don’t want to lie to them which is why I tell them the truth about my cutting. I feel like this scars represent who you are as a person like you are a warrior that has been through so many battles and you get hurt by all the pain but you survived and the scars show your story. I’ll never gonna get rid of my scars because it’s who I am.

I still do get urges to cut myself whenever I struggle or even when I don’t struggle. There have been a few times where I have been happy and nothing is wrong and I just want to cut myself. I also don’t self-harm (through other ways) as much but only when I’m feeling really distressed or struggling with my depression but the last six months I’ve been in a really good place at the moment.

For those people who self-harm, I’m not gonna tell you to stop because that doesn’t work. I’ve been there so I know what’s it like and just letting you guys know, I am no way a pro-self-harm and there is no way I would encourage it. In fact, I recommend not to start it at all if you haven’t self-harmed before because it can be damaging and very addicting and can leave you permanent scars. It will hurt not only you but also your loved ones and you don’t want to go on that path, believe me.

What I will say is if it does help, then do it in a safe way please by having a first aid kit near you and if you do hurt your self badly, please reach out for help immediately by letting someone you know you can trust or go to the nearest ED department or even calling your local emergency number if your life is in danger.

Also. if you hurt yourself less and less and maybe quit it eventually (when you’re ready), it would be worth it in the long run like look at me, I haven’t cut myself for four years and that is a massive achievement for me.

For those who know anyone that does self-harm, be there for them and don’t judge for who there are. Don’t tell them to get over it or snap out of it because it doesn’t work that way and might make it worse. Self-harm isn’t the problem, it’s a coping mechanism. If you find what triggers people hurting themselves then you’ll find the cause of the problem. Also, when someone is not ready to quit, don’t pressure them but maybe tell them in an assertive way that you are concerned about them and be there for them. Another one, look after yourself because it can be quite tiring looking after someone.

There are also other ways people can cope without relying on self-harm like exercise, talking to your support network, distraction, being with people mindfulness or going to different support groups. Even writing a pros and cons of self-harm could help.

Before this post gets too long and I’m sorry the end was a bit rushed as I was running out of time, I will probably blog more about the self-harm in the future as today I just wanted to talk about my achievement with my cutting but I also wanted to give a brief information about self-harm through my experience.

Thank you guys again for reading this and like I said this wasn’t easy to write because some of the content I have written, not many people knows about it and this is the first telling my dark secrets to the world. I was at one point a bit hesitant to share with you guys because I’m a bit nervous about how people will respond to this as I know self-harm is one of those taboo topics to talk about. It’s pretty deep stuff but thank you guys for the support like always and hope you got something out of this

Be random but stay safe! ^_^

Davo ^^

Long Update

Hey guys,

I just wanted to give you guys an update and explain why there hasn’t been any blogging.

Life has been an up and down for me since last year back when I posted here. Even before that, it’s been a roller coaster as I was dealing with other things and I’m not sure if you guys remember me telling you that 2015 had so many ups and downs.

Well, this is the first time I’m telling you guys this as it’s very personal but back in August 2015, my auntie passed away and it was a big shock because it happened suddenly. I’m not gonna go into details but when I was told my auntie passed away, I felt surreal like if I was like in a dream and didn’t want to believe it. It took me a few minutes for the news to sink it and then I realised that she was gone forever.

Ever since then, my life has never been the same. Some of you guys know that I don’t deal with losses at all especially to death and with this one, it had a really deep impact on me (and also my family) because I was very close with my auntie as she was like a second mother to me. Back in primary school, she would always look after me and my two sisters whenever my parents were busy. She’d take me and my sisters to swimming lessons or take us out for afternoon tea or even the movies.

I had many fond memories but the hardest thing that hit me is my auntie asked me to promise her that I would take her out one day for an outing but I never fulfil her promise. I’ve been so caught up focusing on my own life because I’ve been dealing with my own problems. In my auntie’s final years, I didn’t get to see her a lot for a few reasons which I won’t explain but I felt like I let my auntie down and I wish I would have spent more time with her but after talking to my close friend, I can’t dwell on the past and there’s nothing I could do about it. She got me to remember the good times with my auntie which I’m trying to do.

My auntie’s funeral was one the hardest funeral I’ve been to (along with my grandma’s). I was asked to take part in the funeral and be one of the pallbearers and as well do a prayer at the funeral which I was honoured to do but I was very nervous speaking in front of people because I’m not good with public speaking. Somehow, I was able to get through it without getting too emotional.

Towards the end of the funeral, out of nowhere, I broke down in tears and I’ve never done that before at a funeral. It was embarrassing because I did in front of everyone and had to go outside to calm myself down but luckily my mum was there for me. After spending some time outside, I went back inside and I broke down…again…which I feel like an idiot. As you can see, I was such a mess and the funeral director came to support me which I’m grateful that she did. After the service, there was the burial and at the conclusion of the burial, we release balloons into the sky to remember my auntie and it was a nice thing to do for a tribute.

It’s now been more than two years since my auntie passed away and I feel like I haven’t been able to move on completely which sounds stupid. Anything that reminds me of her makes me feel more emotional and it hasn’t been easy. Though it did get easier when time went and I don’t think I would have been here without the support of my family, friends and support network.

At the end of March last year,  it was the tenth anniversary of my first dog’s (Sweety’s) death. Ten years, wow that’s big…it doesn’t feel that long and I can still remember what happened on that day. It was a very traumatic experience to go through and probably something I’ll never get over. Occasionally I get these dreams about Sweety which I’m confused and gets me emotional but I think it’s a subconscious thing because I’ve been missing her heaps.

2016 was a busy year for me. Because I was at home most of the time the as I wasn’t working or studying at that time, I tried getting out of the house more by reconnecting with old friends by going to church and meeting new people through them and as well school friends. We would meet up once or even twice a week and it was great fun as I felt like I was part of a group.

I also started leading Boys Brigade (aka Boys Scout) which I never thought I would do, though, I was a bit hesitated to do it because I had no experience of being a leader (except in Year 6 when we did peer support group) but I’m so glad I decided to do it. Looking after the small boys with two other leaders and teaching them craft, do devotions, organise games and getting supper for them, it’s a rewarding job and great fun!

Throughout last year, I attended these different short cooking courses that are run by the community and a college. It was a great experience as I got to cook lots of yummy food and learning new things like healthy eating, what to eat more and less and it was mainly more to help me be more independent. However, the courses I was in was for people with intellectual disability meaning the cooking was too basic for me so one of my teachers suggested I should be doing something more advanced like in TAFE.

In the middle of May last year, I went to Hong Kong and England with my dad for a holiday. It’s always great visiting family and friends in Hong Kong but the main highlight of our trip would have to be England as I never been there before. Went to a lot of the tourist places like the Buckingham Palace, the Tower of London, and Stonehenge to name a few. The people are very friendly and chatty to talk especially because we were tourists and they were surprised that we came all away from Sydney.

We also went to the friendly football game between the Socceroos (Australia) and England at the Stadium of Light in Sunderland which was epic. Also met my primary school friend whom I haven’t seen since high school and I finally meet one of my pen pals for the very first time. We’ve been pen pals since high school and can’t believe we’ve been in contact ever since! It was great meeting both of them! I was hoping to meet one of my internet friends but had no time and that was disappointing so I’m hoping to meet her next time as we’ve been friends since I was in high school.

After I got back home from my travels with my dad, I was feeling jet-lagged because of all the travelling I had to do with the different time zones. I also became sick with a viral infection and it wasn’t the best experience to go through. I had to stay in bed because I was feeling so weak I couldn’t even eat or drink, had this bad cough which made it hard for me to talk and swallow and I felt dehydrated because of all the throwing up (eww!).

At the same time, I had an ankle injury that kept flaring up and this wasn’t new because it’s an old injury I had all the way back from Year 11 when I sprained my ankle on three different occasions…on the same foot. I had to see my physiotherapist to get ongoing treatment because my foot was very swollen and it was hard to walk.

After about three weeks, I almost fully recovered from my sickness and got to get out of the house for the time! It felt great being out because I feel like you’re trapped at home and can’t do anything except watching movies all day. My ankle injury was getting better but still had to get on-going treatment (which is now all healed!).

Anyway, I celebrated my two-year anniversary of being out of hospital which is the longest time I’ve been out for and I was really ecstatic that I broke my record because I didn’t think that I could do it. I’ve already posted in Two Years Free From Hospital so I’m not gonna explain again. After my recovery from my viral infection, I went back to my normal daily routine but when the weeks went by, my mood went downhill. Nothing bad happened or anything but I felt physically and mentally drained probably because what I went through…it took a big toll on me and as well my depression.

I tried to keep busy by getting out of the house more but it didn’t really help most of the time. I also tried pretending that everything was okay to people which did work initially but it didn’t always work. So it got to the point where I wasn’t coping anymore and had to tell my support network and then I had a relapse…breaking point. This relapse probably happened after my last post.

My support network suggested to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital and at first, I was against going in because if I go in, I feel like I’m a failure as I was going so good without needing the support from hospital for that long and I actually did feel like I failed. But after talking to my support network again, they made me realised that I did need a break after two exhausting years and I agreed to be admitted into hospital with the support from my parents. Being out for hospital for more than two years is an achievement.

I didn’t tell you guys but one of the triggers for my downhill episode was one of my medications stopped working because I was on it for a long time so my doctor wanted to change medications and monitor me in hospital in case if I have any side effects. Because last time they changed my meds, I had a very severe manic episode where I was hallucinating and had high/low mood swings which weren’t a good experience.

I won’t disclosed my hospital stay for privacy reasons but I was in there for two and a half weeks and I have to admit, it was tough being there at first mainly because of all the changes they did in hospital and I had to adjust as I haven’t been there for two years. I was feeling so lonely because of that but it did get easier by each day with the support I got in there. My parents would visit me every day even when they have work on that day and they’d cheer me up. They really sacrificed a lot for me and without their amazing and loving support, I wouldn’t be here.

The day groups were actually helpful because I learned new skills and also remember old ones I’ve learned from past admissions even though I’ve been to the groups so many times. Halfway through my admission, my doctor was happy with my progress and how my medication change was going as I didn’t get any side effects which was a relief but he did tell me it would take a month to see the effect of the new medication to happen.

In the final days of my stay, I had a lot of mixed emotions leaving. I was very anxious about going back to the real world on how I’ll cope without hospital but I was excited to go back to my old life seeing family and friends again. I also felt sad because I’m leaving the support behind because they’ve been fantastic to me and won’t forget them. I did leave them a farewell letter which they did appreciate and it was emotional saying goodbye to them as I’ve learnt a lot from them.

After being in hospital, my parents and I went to Hong Kong for a small family reunion. It was great everyone again as we don’t get to see each other a lot. I also managed to catch up with a high school friend and I don’t even remember the last time I saw her but it made me happy seeing her again as she’s one of my close friends so it was a great reunion. Even though my trip was short, it was good to get away from everything but with all the adjustments from getting out of hospital to going overseas and then going back home, it didn’t really help me. Also, I was still getting used to my new medication as well.

Anyway, things did get better towards the end of last year which was a year ago and at that time, I had been doing a lot of planning for this year. The last few years, I’ve been looking for work but it has been very difficult for me because of my disability (even with support from my support network and the work experiences I’ve done) and I realised that I was going nowhere. Remember how I told you guys one of my cooking teachers suggested me to do another course? Well, that’s what I did. With the help of my parents, I applied to do a course in retail baking at TAFE for this year and it’s the best thing I have done.

I’m now back at TAFE again which feels a bit strange because I haven’t studied since I graduated back in 2012. The course I’m currently in now, I actually had no plans to do it but I’m having the best time of my life and it’s probably even better than my Multimedia course (which I did enjoy though). So it goes for 1½ years as I’m doing part-time because full-time stresses me out and one day a week but it’s quite long hours which you have to get used to. The things we have been learning this year has been incredible and wouldn’t imagine learning. We’ve learnt how to bake pastry, gateaux cakes and tempering chocolate

Tomorrow is the last day of TAFE for this year and I’m pretty excited because we get two months of summer holidays after this but I have a practical exam which I’m very anxious about! I don’t know how I’m gonna go but hoping I can get through it. Thanks to those who have been supporting me through this year with TAFE because it’s a challenging course but can’t believe that this year has gone so fast! I probably do another blog on my course in a separate post when I have time.

Before I forget, I have to let you guys know that all of my posts that I publish takes a lot of work to do and I spent a lot of my time and effort doing this as I know you guys enjoy reading my blog. Though, sometimes I feel like that’s not enough and there are people who may not like I write (I had a few bad experiences because of my depression) and then I ask myself again, should I still keep on writing or should I just stop? I dunno if it’s just me or it’s my depression making me think like that. Also because I’ve been so busy this year, I haven’t had a lot of time to work on any of my posts so that’s why my blog has been pretty much dead.

Anyway, I’m gonna end this post before it gets any longer and thank you guys again for reading this update and I apologise that it’s long but I just wanted to let you guys know what’s been happening especially because it’s been more than a year since I was on here.

Be random but stay safe! ^_^

Announcment: Moving Blogs

Hi guys,

I know it’s been a while that I posted but I have a big announcement to make. I would like to announce that my blog, Kawika In Sight has now moved from Blogger to WordPress. The reason for the movement is I felt like I needed a change and I thought it would be a good time to have a fresh start again.

Now, I’ve been with Blogger for a number of years and it’s been a big part of my life. March 2009 was the beginning of Kawika In Sight and it was at that time I was recovering from my last suicide attempt. What made me decided to make a blog is because I wanted to have the freedom to talk whatever is on your mind as I find talking to people is very hard for me to do like I don’t know what words to say or how to explain to them how you’re feeling.

Having a mental illness is such a struggle but blogging has helped me got through the tough times. As well being able to share my life stories with people has been rewarding because I have gotten a lot of positive feedback from them especially with my The Dark Truth. Knowing that I’m able to reach out to people and inspiring them, that is one of my goals in life. Even though I have not been posting consistently in the last few years, I’m hoping to post a lot more content in the future which I will talk about in my next post.

I have thought about moving for quite a while now but haven’t gotten to it because I’ve been so busy this year. I also notice lately that Blogger hasn’t been user-friendly anymore especially when I’m using my phone/tablet so that’s one of the factors why my blog is moving.

So what does this change mean? Well, there are a few things, from now on, I will be with WordPress and not Blogger. I’ll still have my Blogger account but I won’t be using it for this. If you guys haven’t noticed, I now have my own domain now which is so please update my blog’s old address with the new one. You can still use the old address but it will be redirected to the new address. Alternatively, you can also use to access my blog.

The blog will be similar to the old one but I did some tweaking of the colours so it’s much easier to read now. I still need to add a few things and make a few adjustments as I’m still getting used to WordPress.  Though unfortunately, I’m not able to fully customise Kawika In Sight, I now have more control of it which is very convenient for me. My content will stay the same so nothing’s changing there but other than, everything is pretty much the same! This is a very exciting move for me and Kawika In Sight!

If you haven’t already and you like my content, please follow my blog by pressing the follow button which is on the right of the sidebar. If you want to stay updated on my blog, please like my Facebook page at Kawika In Sight.

Anyway, thank you guys for your support as always and I’m sorry that I have not been active on here. I haven’t forgotten about my blog (and you guys!) but just a lot of things has happened which has been tough but I’m staying strong! I’m hoping to put up a post later this week that will explain why I haven’t been blogging lately.

But until then, be random but stay safe! ^_^

The post you are about to read may be triggering for people and is very dark as it contains depression, anxiety and past suicide attempt. If you are easily triggered, please do not read, otherwise, read with caution. If you are feeling unsafe at any time, please reach out for help immediately. Contact someone you can trust or call your local crisis number.

Thank you for reading this warning as the last thing I want is triggering people.


This time of the year, I seem to always struggle and it’s been like that every year. Is it because of the autumn/winter blues? Probably as we don’t get a lot of sunshine and my mood seems to be up during summer time which of course is my favourite season of the year but I noticed that it started when I was first diagnosed with depression. I still don’t know why I still struggle now.

Well, one reason I can think of it’s something to do with the past. I don’t know where to begin as I get so emotional talking about it (like I did today in my day support group) and I have a fear of being judged but today is the eighth anniversary of my last planned suicide attempt (2008) and the thirteenth anniversary (2003) of my first suicide attempt. I can’t believe it’s been eight long years.

I still get these flashbacks of what happened on that night because it was a traumatic thing to go through as I almost died on that night if no one found me. Again, I won’t tell the story here as I’ve already told you guys but I will give a link to those who haven’t read it which you can read here -> The Dark Truth. I was very lucky and am grateful for having a second chance but I do have to admit, a bit of myself sometimes wished my last suicide attempt did succeed. I know it’s very dark and sad saying that but it’s the truth and the honest truth and I hate to lie to you guys…but on the other hand, I survived and I’m enjoying life at the moment even though I still struggle with my depression. People tell me I should be celebrating my life. Well, that’s what I’m doing.

Last year or the year before I think, I finally moved on from my past because, before those years, I had this obsession with my suicide attempt for some reason. It was probably because I’ve always been focused on the past especially this date and not the present or future but now I realised after talking to my psychiatrist and a close friend (since high school) that it’s the past and it’s nothing you can do about. You have to try and accept it and move on. They also told me I am in a much better place now than where I was in 2008 because I’ve been getting ongoing treatment which has been a big support for me and I’ve also grown more as a person.

Eight years of freedom is a massive achievement for me because I never thought I’d get this far and it’s a very long time as well.  During those eight years. it’s been one ride of a roller coaster with so many ups and downs for those who have been with me from the beginning. I don’t know how I was able to get through all those hardships especially recovering from my suicide attempt.

I don’t think I told you guys but after I tried to kill myself and failed, I felt lost. I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad that my plan didn’t work and I felt like something just hit me. It took me a long time to recover from that night and I had to do a lot of soul searching because I didn’t know who I was before anymore. I was so confused and it was scary because I never had that feeling before but it took a few years to finally found who I was thanks to the support I was getting during those years time and of course that life-changing jaw surgery.

I have to admit, it’s very difficult talking about all this because it’s so personal and dark but I felt like I needed to share with you guys that I am living proof you can through the dark times and I just want to reach out to other people. Do I still get suicidal thoughts? Yes, I do but not always. Though, I do get them a lot when my depression gets worse. Sometimes, I feel like it’s easy just to escape from this world to be free and life would be better off without me but I know that’s not right and it’s not healthy thinking after learning that from going to day support groups. Fortunately, I’ve never acted on those thoughts and hope my last suicide attempt will be my last.

Having to deal with depression and also anxiety, it just really sucks. People who have been through similar things to I’ve been through will know this. It’s a very hard life living with a mental illness and that’s why I want to raise awareness about it. Sadly, for me, I don’t think my depression will ever go away as I noticed it keeps coming back every year even when there’s no trigger. Some years, it can be very hard like last year but then there are other years, they weren’t as bad but it was still hard.

I remember in my very first article I wrote after my first suicide attempt, the name of that article was Life Is Precious. Now thinking about that, it’s true, life is precious because you only have one life…a life that you can never get back.

If there is anyone out there or if you know someone who is feeling suicidal or thinking of ending their life, please reach out for help whether is contacting someone you can trust or call your local crisis number. If you require immediate help, please call your local emergency number or go to the closest A&E department or hospital as they should be able to assist you in any need. I know life can be hard at the moment but it will get better. I can’t say when it will but it will in time. Just gotta hang in there and stay strong! Remember, you’re not alone and there are other people out there who might be going through a similar situation and I believe you can get through and they can get through it. I know it’s kinda lame saying all this but it’s true and I hope I can help someone out there.

So with the support I’ve been getting from my family. the professionals, close friends and other support networks, they’ve been amazing to me and I’m so thankful that they’ve been with me all the way even at the darkest times. Otherwise, I wouldn’t get to where I am now.

Thank you guys like always for reading my blog! Sorry again for being active here a lot because I’ve been so busy and also been dealing with personal stuff the last couple of months. I can’t promise you all that I’ll be active on but I’ll try my best to do some blogging and thanks for all your support! It means the world to me!

Be random but stay safe!

Random greetings! So I know it’s been a while since I’ve done a post on here since my birthday (seems like that always) and I also know that I’m running behind on a lot of my posts which I want to apologise for. 2016 have been a hectic year for me so far. I’ve been heaps busy trying out new things, reconnecting with people and meeting new people instead of spending most of my time at home like last year. I haven’t had a lot of free time these days which is kinda the reason why I haven’t been active on here.

Today, I want to share some exciting news with you guys something. Usually, I don’t share this with people because it is quite personal and also because of the portrayals it has in the movies and TV. I also don’t want people to think I’m some kind of “crazy” person with a mental illness or anything (talking about an event that happened recently which was reported on the news in the upper North Shore of Sydney) but I’m gonna share it anyway.

I am proud to say I am two years free today from being in hospital. This is the longest I’ve been out of hospital. Now, there will be people out there must be wondering what I’m talking about and few of you already know.

As some of you guys may know, I have been getting ongoing treatment for my depression ever since I was first diagnosed with it when I was in Year 8 back in 2003. Ever since my first suicide attempt, I’ve been admitted into different hospitals throughout my life for a lot of reasons with my suicide attempts, self-harm, my safety, treatments for medications etc. every year (with the exception of 2006). There were times where I had to be admitted multiple times in a year. I have talked about this briefly in my story but haven’t gone into detail.

Oh by the way, I don’t like to use the term “mental hospital” because I know when some people think of mental, they think of “crazy” and being locked up in an institute. Well, I can tell you it’s not always like that.

Just to give you an insight, some of the private psychiatric hospitals I’ve been in is not really that bad and it’s so much better than being in the psychiatric wards in the public hospitals. The environment is very much chilled and relaxed, food is restaurant quality, the staff and patients are very friendly and supportive, you get to have your own room and maybe your own bathroom, the therapy groups are very beneficial (except after going to the same hospital after seven years like me, you pretty much already know everything) and there are different activities you can do like gym, yoga, card making, music/art therapy etc. So as you can see, it’s like a luxury hotel.

This is a big milestone for me because the last time I was in the psychiatric hospital was back in 2014 exactly on this day. I actually never thought I’d come this far because I have always relied on hospital for support. In the past, I keep asking myself, am I able to survive without being in hospital every year? Well, after two years, that’s the answer. There were even times where I was so close to being admitted but somehow, I’ve managed to survive every time.

I know hospital will always be there for me when I need it but after moving on from my past and with the support network I have currently, I feel like I’m in a good space even though I still struggle with my depression.

Also, sorry about this but it comes to my attention there have been a few people judging me about my depression recently and I have a response back to them. If you don’t agree with what I say, that’s fine as it’s your opinion and I respect that but don’t judge me just because I have a mental illness. I’m no different from anyone else. I didn’t “choose” to have depression. Would I want a “normal” life? I wish sometimes but now, I feel like I was meant to live this life for a reason.

Even though I’ve been through so much crap in my life like the bullying, didn’t had the best childhood, had to do eight medical surgeries and other stuff I had to go through, I want to share my experience with people. I’m also trying to raise awareness of mental health so people can understand and know more about it. I know I’ve said this many times but one of my goals is to reach out to people and that’s the reason for this blog. If you don’t agree with that, feel free to go our separate ways.

Anyway, moving on…I just wanted to say thanks to those who have supported me from the very beginning and those who supported me when I was in hospital. I know some of my admissions have been a scary experience which I apologised for but your support has been amazing and if it weren’t for you guys, I wouldn’t be here.

Be random but stay safe! ^_^