Thank you for reading this warning as the last thing I want is triggering people.
On 22nd July 2014, I told the universe my story. A dark story that is very personal to me and never thought I would tell people about it. Why is it personal is because not many people understand it and it can look down upon. The dark story I’m talking about is my depression.
22nd July is the anniversary of my first and last suicide attempt. Usually, this is one of the days I don’t look forward to because of what I went through. My depression tends to get worse that time of the year and it seems to be happening every year. I still remember the first time I tried to kill myself back in 2003. It was a very scary experience because I was only thirteen at that time (which is young!) and of course it was my first suicide attempt and didn’t know what was going on. Luckily though, it wasn’t that serious but it was a different story for my last suicide attempt.
My last suicide attempt in 2008. I won’t explain what exactly happen again since I’ve already explained it but I always get these flashbacks of what happened on that night because it the most traumatic thing I ever have gone through in my entire life. The doctor who treated me when I was recovering in the ICU in hospital said if I wasn’t found in time after I tried to kill myself, I would have been dead. You know, hearing those words was chilling and it still is to this day.
I’m thankful that I’m still alive but I’m not gonna lie, there’s still a little bit of me wish that I did die on that day and would have been easier if I did slip away. Maybe it’s my depression that is making me feel like that. Anyway, I don’t want this post to be all negative and I don’t want to upset and trigger people.
So the build-up to this year’s anniversary was very hard because not only I was getting flashbacks but I was also going through a very difficult time. After talking to my support network and a close friend of mine, I now realise that I can’t keep living in the past and have decided to take the first step by moving on from my past and celebrate my life in a positive way. This might not seem a big deal for people but for me, it is.
It wasn’t easy to move on because I seem to have a trouble of letting go of things especially with the past because otherwise, it wouldn’t be right if I just kept going on and on without looking forward to the future and the present. Well, that’s what my support network has told me. The past is the past and I know I can’t change anything about it. Even though the things I have been through was very hard and no one should ever go through, I have conquered them all and have been able to achieve remarkable things in my life. Things that I wouldn’t even dream of achieving.
There are still days where I still struggle with my depression but I think it makes me a stronger and better person for it. People say I have come a long way and I have grown more mature and they’re right, I have come a long way especially in those seven years since that very dark night.
Thank you guys for your awesome support! It means the world to me and a special mention to those who have been with me since the beginning of my journey. It’s been one wild ride and I don’t think I’d be here without you guys so thank you for not giving up on me.
Before I wrap up, I’d like to apologise for not being active on here as these last few months has been very tough for me. I’ve gone through ups and downs and been struggling with my depression.
To leave on a positive note, I have some big news to share. So I found out that I’ll be going to Canada, Cuba and Hong Kong next month for my next big adventure which I will blog about it more later on! This is very exciting news and can’t wait for this trip! ^_^
Be random but stay safe!