It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve done a post on here and you guys might have noticed that I haven’t been active lately. The last few weeks, well the last two months actually has been an anxious waiting time for me to tell you the truth. I know I’ve already told some people this but I haven’t told exactly all of you. For those who haven’t heard, tomorrow, I’ll be getting laser eye surgery.to correct my vision.

So for those who don’t know, I don’t have perfect vision with my eyes. I have myopia commonly know as short-sightedness and it’s where I can see things close to me but in the far distance, I can’t see things not as clearly and my vision gets blurry. It’s actually really that bad that I have to get things really close to me so I’m able to see them.

I’ve had this problem probably since I was in pre-school or something, I don’t really remember since I was a kid. But what I do remember as a kid, I think I was watching something on TV and I notice I wasn’t able to see anything because my vision was all blurry. So freaking out as a little kid, I had no idea what was going on and I had to go to my mum to tell her that something’s wrong with my eyes and that’s when my mum knew I had short-sightedness. This was confirmed by one of the eye doctors and an optometrist I saw and as you know it, I had to wear prescribed glasses.

I’ve been planning to fix my short-sightedness for a while now but I’ve been waiting for the right time to do it. This year seems to be the best time to do it for me as I don’t have any major plans going on at the moment. I’ll also be doing a series of post on my laser eye surgery in the next couple of weeks and months to update people on my progress like what I did with my jaw surgery,

So the reason for this surgery is because I’m hoping to get perfect vision and don’t have to rely on wearing contact lens and my glasses all the time. People who wear contacts or glasses should all already know how I’m feeling but for those people who don’t, let me explain. Imagine wearing glasses or contact lens every day in your entire life. You need them in order to see because without them, you can’t see anything properly if you

When you wear contacts lens, you have to look after them by cleaning and disinfecting them before and after wearing them every morning and every night. Your eyes can get really tired and irritated after wearing contacts for a long time if you been out the whole day or go clubbing with your friends very late at night. If you like to travel like me, your contacts can get dry because of the dry air on the plane. It’s also easy to lose your contact lens as they are very small and also near transparent and they were certain times where I’ve lost mine.

With glasses, it’s easy to look after but sometimes it can be easy to easy to damage them and also easy to lose. There was one time I was looking for my glasses at home because I was going to crash at my best mate’s house for the night and after a long time looking for my glasses, I didn’t know where it was. It wasn’t until my mate told me I was wearing them that whole time and he didn’t know I was looking for my glasses.

Also, when you’re wearing glasses, sometimes your vision isn’t as clear like with contacts lens because the lens of the glasses doesn’t fully cover your eyes. Another thing I find annoying is your glasses can get fog up during the wet weather because of the rain. Oh and one more thing, whenever I go outside, I always like to wear sunnies when the sun is out because my eyes cannot cope with the bright light but it’s a different story with wearing glasses as you don’t have that protective lens. So that’s the life of wearing contact lens and glasses

I really hate to admit this but the first time I wore glasses, I wasn’t a big fan of it. Mainly because I look different to other people who didn’t have to wear glasses and I was so self-conscious about my appearance and being a shy kid and what other people thought of me. I also even got bullied by the older students in primary school because I was wearing glasses. You know those names people use like “four-eyes”, “nerd”, “dork”, yeah, I was called those names. Also being born with a congenital ptosis (droopy eyelid) which was really noticeable back when I was young, that didn’t really help me either.

I did get used to wearing glasses eventually and it took me a long time to accept that I had to wear glasses. Because without my glasses, I wouldn’t able to see properly. The bullying did get less thankfully as the bullies left after graduating from primary school to high school except it got worse when I found out that they went to the same high school as me. Most of you guys should already know this from reading my previous posts.

Halfway through Year 7 or the beginning of Year 8, I was able to start wearing contact lens. That gave me a real confidence boost because I didn’t have to worry about my glasses all the time and getting teased as well. I think that was the thing I was looking forward to the most from wearing contact lens and ever since then, I haven’t stopped wearing them since.

Now these days, I just wear my contact lens. I only wear my glasses whenever I’m not wearing my contacts like at night time or when my eyes get really tired. For some reason, I still get self-conscious wearing glasses whenever I go out in public like hanging out with friends or family. Maybe because I still have that little bit of fear of being judged since I was young.

I feel like with all the bullying I had to go through, I’m still scarred from it which I know it sounds so silly as this was a long time ago. This is also the first time talking to you guys about it which is why it’s so hard to write about it but I feel like I need to. Anyway, I don’t want this post to be all sad and stuff because I want this post to be positive and I’m much better now than there where I was.

Okay, the type of surgery I’ll be having is called SMILE (Small-Incision Lenticule Extraction) surgery which apparently it’s the latest technology for laser eye surgery. I have never heard of this before until I saw my eye surgeon and I’m sure most people haven’t heard of this surgery either except for those who’s had this before.

When people go for laser eye surgery, usually they have the LASIK (Laser in Situ Keratomileusis) which is the most common one people go for. There are also other methods like the PRK (Photorefractive Keratectomy) or ASLA (advanced Surface Laser) which is more the advanced PRK from my understanding and correct me if I’m wrong as I’m not the expert here. I don’t want to confuse you guys.

The difference between the one I’m having and the most common one people have is the recovery time and how less invasive the SMILE procedure is. I will explain the procedure more in detail in my next post after I had my surgery.

This laser eye surgery is yet another surgery (which will be my eighth one actually) and another hurdle I have to go through in my life. Some of you guys know, I hate surgeries because it always scares me but thankfully, it’s not as major as my last surgery I had four years ago with my orthognathic surgery (aka jaw surgery). I mean this surgery is still big but it will be a really quick one in terms of duration and recovery time.

I’m very very anxious at the moment and I know I shouldn’t be THAT anxious but having anxiety since I was a kid, I can’t really help it. At the same time tho, I am excited that if the surgery goes all well, I’m able to have perfect vision or have it as near as perfect vision. People who I have talked to who’s done laser eye surgery or knows other people who’ve done it, all of them have said to me that it has changed their life and they were amazed how they are able to see things clearly now. No more need for contact lens or glasses and that really inspires me.

I think the thing that terrifies me the most is being awake during surgery because with all the previous surgeries I’ve had, I was under general anesthesia. I know they will give you eye drops to numb your eyes but this will be an entirely different experience for me. I haven’t been this anxious since my jaw surgery. Of course, all of the anticipation and the wait for tomorrow doesn’t help either but I know I’m in good hands.

Hopefully, everything goes well tomorrow and will be like my jaw surgery. Life Changing! I don’t know when my next post will be up on here depending on how tired I am and also how I’m going with the recovery. Hopefully not too long and sorry it took me ages to get this post up. I’ve just been trying to take it easy because of my anxiety but thank you guys for your amazing support and understanding! I really appreciated especially with what I’m going through at the moment. I will also let you all know how my surgery goes and what the experience was like for those who are thinking of having laser eye surgery.

You guys are awesome! Be random but stay safe! ^_^

I finally recovered from one of the busiest weekends I ever had. A week ago, I blogged about how I was starting work with the NSW Electoral Commission at the NSW State Election 2015 last Saturday and now I’m gonna blog how it went.

Working at the election was a great learning experience for me and it would be something I want to do again. It was also a very long and eventful day. So I found out that the NSWEC gave me the wrong shift. Originally I was supposed to start in the late afternoon but I received a phone call at 8:02 in the morning on Saturday. Being half asleep in the morning figuring who it was, I answered it and it was one of the polling managers.

He asked me where I was and that I was late. Being confused and not really knowing what was happening, I told him that the letter they sent me says my shift starts at 5:30pm but he said on the roster he received, I was supposed to start work at 8am. I realised that they made a mistake so the manager asked me how long will I take to get there and I told him it’d take me 10 minutes. He also said to me that I had to meet another manager at the polling booth when I arrive there.

After the phone call, I had to rush out of bed and get ready. I was really stressing out because I was running late for work since it was my first time but It was lucky I live close by where the polling booth is at. Otherwise, I would have panic more and you know how I really have bad anxiety since I was a kid. Anyway, it didn’t take long to get there and there weren’t not many cars on the road which was good. On the way walking to the booth, I had to ask people (the ones who give you papers telling which party to vote) for directions because I didn’t know where I was supposed to check in

I did manage to find the place in the end and met the manager who I was supposed to meet. I had to apologise to him for being late and explain the situation that they gave me the wrong starting time. The manager was totally fine about it which was such a relief for me and he just explained to me what my role was for the day. He also introduced me to the people who I was working with (which were a guy and a girl) and they seem pretty friendly. I was also given a really cool blue vest uniform with one of those tag things that go around your neck. I forgot what the name was but it just tells people that you’re one of the Election Officials. I don’t know why but wearing a uniform makes me feel special. It’s like one of those awesome feelings that you’re proud of. I know, it’s a bit lame but still pretty awesome, right? Because you don’t get to wear that every day.

Before I started work, I had to vote so that was out of the way and it was good there wasn’t a lot of people early in the morning. What I did at the election during the first part of the day was mainly direct people where to vote and where they have to put the ballot papers in the boxes. I also had to help assist people if they had any inquiries. After doing that for an hour or two, they gave me a 15 minutes break which I really need because I didn’t get much sleep the previous night as I was anxious about work. As well, I got woken up by that phone call in the morning so I was feeling like I was some kind of zombie or something.

After my break, they shift us around and the manager told me what my next job was which was marking the electors off the roll book. Whenever a person comes in to vote, we have to ask them for their surname (or family name) and try to find them in the roll book. Once we find their surname, we have to ask them for their first name and which we do find them, we just marked their name off. There is also that question we always have to ask the electors if they had already voted previously for the day which can annoy some people which I totally get. They wouldn’t be there in the first place if they had already voted but it’s also a routine we have to follow otherwise, it would ruin the number of the votes. Anyway, we give them the ballot papers and every time we do, we have to sign our initials on it and then direct where to vote and after they finish voting.

Sometimes we get periods where it’s busy and there is a lot of people waiting but there are some periods where there is not a lot of people and is quiet. It reminds me of working in the food court. During lunchtime, it gets really crowded as it is a mad rush but in the morning and late afternoon, it’s quiet. I also notice you always don’t get the same people. You meet a lot of interesting people whom most of them are friendly but then are some people who are not so friendly or they might just be having a bad day or in a rush for something. I don’t know.

Working in the election is not as stressful as working in the food court because it’s pretty easy going. I did find a little bit stressful when there was a long line of voters waiting to get their name marked off because there was only two of us and you have to try to be fast but also do your job carefully. I felt like there should have been more people working with us but. maybe because the district I was working in was a small one compared to the district next to us. They had a lot of people and it was busier I notice.

I also did feel a bit of pressure like doing my job carefully and try to use my time wisely. It was something I wasn’t used to and it made me more stress because I didn’t want to make a mistake which I did a few times during the day and also I wanted to make a good impression. I had to get a lunch break because I was really stressing out and thank goodness I was able to get a break. I had to call a friend because I was feeling really panicking and had to tell him what was going on during the day.

There were a few things I wasn’t able to do like, if I didn’t understand something, I have to ask them to explain again or asked them if I’m doing this right or I’m doing that wrong. Because I was feeling stress, I wasn’t able to do the job properly which isn’t actually good because you feel more stress and there’s a cycle around this. So it was really good to talk to my friend because it cleared my head and I also needed that support so thank you, my friend, for the support! (You know who you are! ^_^)

Anyway so after a minor hiccup, I was able to go back to work. There wasn’t much to do but just the same work I’ve been doing all morning. It felt like a really slow day. When I was working in the afternoon, I met a few people who I know. Some of them who I haven’t seen since primary school and that was like back in 2001 when we graduated that year. Can you believe it’s been more than thirteen years? It’s crazy and looking back to where I was, it’s been an unbelievable journey to get to where I am now and even through those tough times when I almost gave up. It was good to catch up with them and was interesting to see what they been up to all these years.

Towards the end of the day, I talked to my manager about how NSWEC gave me the wrong starting time for work and show him the letter I received. He said he didn’t know what happened and they should have given me the correct time because the roster he received says I start work at 8am. Very confusing.

At 6pm, they closed the voting. We had to pack up and collapse the voting stands. We had to count how many ballot papers we didn’t use because the ones we didn’t use, it tells us what’s the number of votes we’re expecting. It was such a huge task because there were only two of us who had to go all through the votes because one already finishes their shift earlier in the afternoon.

I forgot how many votes we went through because we had to count both the Legislative Assembly (District) and Legislative Council (State) votes. It was probably less than 300 votes each for both LA & LC so maybe around 525 ballot papers all together? Two people had to go through all that to count and because it took us all night, we had to ask for help from other people who were working in the other district and it was such a relief that they were happy to help us. They had more people than us I think twelve people compare to us which was like two people and also the manager.

So all of us had to sort them out in parties and categories and count them. Finally, after we did all that, we packed them up in separate boxes to send to NSWEC. After that, we just clean up the hallway and packed everything like the tables and taking the signs down. We finished work at 11:30 at night. I don’t know how we were able to go all through that. I was feeling so exhausted after that long 15-hour shift. Mind you, this was my first time working for that long and kudos for people who work longer than that. I don’t know how they’re able to do it.

That was pretty much my experience working at the election. It was a big learning curve for me because it was my first time and the people who I worked with were all friendly about it. They said the first time is always the hardest but with the experience I went through, it will help me with the future so I know what to do next time. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience even though it was a long day and I will definitely do it again.

I also highly encourage others to do the same and apply for work at the election. It’s a really easy job to do and it also looks good on your resume. You get paid as well which is really good for one day work. Oh, I forgot to tell you guys, they also give you a manual book to go through beforehand and it explains the general information and tells you what to do. It’s good for first-timers. All that anxiety I had leading up to the day of the election was all for nothing! I was only anxious because I didn’t know what I was expecting at work and in the end, it wasn’t THAT bad.

I also ended up missing my friend’s birthday party that whole night which I kinda felt bad coz I told her I might finish early but that didn’t end up happening. So I went to visit her after I finished work and she was totally cool about it. It was good to catch up with her and also our other friends as I haven’t seen them in ages.

Hope you guys did enjoy reading this post and sorry if it was a bit too long. It was a long day and also an eventful one which is why I had a lot to write. As always, thank you guys for your ongoing support. You’ve guys been really great to me and I appreciated it! ^_^

Today is a significant day for me and it’s the anniversary of my first dog’s death. Her name was Sweety and she was a Maltese. I can’t believe it’s been nine years that she’s been gone. It doesn’t even feel like that long. It just feels like as if it was yesterday that she passed away.

If you knew Sweety, she was loved by all. Sometimes she can be smart but sometimes she can be dumb but in a cute way. My family got her as a present when I was five. I don’t remember exactly how we got her but I think my dad surprised me and my two sisters with Sweety. Sweety always loved to eat and sleep. That was her life. Of course, my family and I would take out her for walks but she still prefers to eat and sleep and be lazy. We didn’t mind that. She’s such a cutie pie and a funny dog.

In her last few years when she was alive, Sweety became blind. We started to notice this when she kept walking into things like the wall or the door which was unusual for. So we took her to the vet and the vet said because she was getting old that was the reason she was blind. It was a total shock when the he said that. I had no idea that some dogs can become blind due to old age. We felt really bad for Sweety because she couldn’t see a thing. There was one time where we left the door open and Sweety fell down the stairs because she didn’t know where she was going. Thankfully, it wasn’t serious and we had to be extra careful with her.

30th March 2006 was the day I found out Sweety died and that day that changed my life forever. I remember exactly everything what happened on that day. Sweety died in her sleep from old age so she passed away peacefully but it felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces. I wasn’t expecting to lose her so suddenly and It was my first real loss to death. It was something I never experienced before which made it more difficult to cope with. Not only I was struggling with Sweety’s death but I was also struggling with my depression which was very bad at that time and I was failing school in Year 11.

One of the first few people I told about Sweety’s death was one of my ex-significant other. When I told her that Sweety died, do you know what she said? She said that I can have one of her dogs. That made me even feel more worse. I know she was trying to be supportive but that was a very insensitive thing to say. I didn’t want one of her dogs. I wanted my Sweety back. Also, guys, do not say that to someone if someone has lost a pet. No pet can be replaceable.

I wasn’t coping well at all like I wouldn’t leave my room for an entire week. I was isolating from friends and even family, I stopped eating and didn’t even sleep. I also kept skipping school because I didn’t want to be at school. There was also one time when I was doing my exams, I broke down in tears. It was quite embarrassing because there were other students who were doing their exams as well. One of the teachers had to escort me outside because I was such a mess. I also had to go to see the school counsellor and told her what was going on. I guess it did feel a bit better to talk about Sweety’s death.

The only thing that did help me to cope was by hurting myself. After I found out Sweety died, I ran into my room and cut myself pretty bad. It wasn’t serious enough to get medical attention but it did leave a really bad scarring which I still have now. I know there was other ways to cope besides hurting yourself but at that time, it was the only thing I knew how to cope.

Now that time has slowly passed, I’m finally learned how to cope with life without Sweety through therapy and also supportfrom my doctors but there are some days that are harder. Around this time every year, this is when my mood seems to drop. When certain things remind me of Sweety like when someone talks about their pet or whenever I see another dog, sometimes I break down. It’s the same with my other dog, Charlotte who we had to put down more than 2 years ago.

Before this anniversary today, I’ve been having dreams about Sweety leading up to today. It felt like in my dreams, she was real. I know I’m never gonna get over Sweety’s death but I know that she had a great life. I have to tell you the truth, I’m struggling to write at the moment because I’m in tears (which I’m not ashamed to say that) but I feel like I need to. I want this post to be dedicated to her and also in memory of her.

Oh Sweety pie, it’s been nine long years since you passed away and exactly a year from now, it will be a decade. You were one of the few things that made me happy even when I had a difficult childhood. You made me happy and always made me smile. I wish I was able to spend more time with you but I know you had a great life. You made an impact on our lives forever and we thank you for all the memories you had given us. Please look after Charlotte for us and we know both of you will be looking down from above.

We will never forget you both and forever in our hearts.

Be random but stay safe!

Hello hello! It’s my first post of the new year and an overdue one. I apologise for not being active because the last three months has been such an up and down ride for me which I’ll explain later.

Tomorrow is such aa big day for me and if you haven’t heard, I will finally be starting work tomorrow. What work you may ask? For those who live in Australia, you guys should already know that tomorrow is the NSW State Election 2015. Well, I managed to get one day work with the NSW Electoral Commission as a Polling Place Assistant which is huge for me!!! How awesome is that guys? I know, there will be people thinking, why is this such a big deal for me?

For once, I’ve been trying to look for real work these last couple of years and it’s been difficult for me because of my depression. Oh, and when I mean real work, I mean like you actually get paid and it is very much different from the internships I have done in the past with SBS and BBC. The work I did with those companies was different because I was there for the experience and I didn’t get paid.

Of course, there was also my very first job…working in the food court for my uncle. Look, I did enjoy working there at that time but it wasn’t really for me. Imagine, working under pressure and serving many people during lunch hour, taking their orders and handling the cash. I have to admit, it did get stressful for me sometimes especially when I have really bad anxiety but looking back at it now, it was a good experience for me to work in the food industry.

Also, before I started working in the food court, it wasn’t actually a planned one so I had no intentions to work there. My uncle offered me to do work experience at his Chinese fast food shop. I was a bit hesitated at first because I wasn’t really interested in working in the food court but I was more into the TV/Movie industry. But because I never had a job, I had to start somewhere for my work career so I might as well do the work experience and that’s how it started from there.

Anyway, about the election. So how did I get work with the State election? My dad was looking through the NSWEC website and saw that they were accepting applications to work with them. To be honest, I was a bit anxious at first because I didn’t know what work I’d be doing but after talking to my parents about it, I decided to give it a go and also, the NSWEC actually encourage people with disability to apply for work which I really admire.

I went through the application and you know, it’s the usual stuff like you usually fill in like your background with what work you’ve done and if you have work in the state election before etc.. I sent my application to them online and this was back sometime in mid-February I think. It was quite an anxious wait because I didn’t know whether if I got accepted or not or if something went wrong until I finally got a phone call. I didn’t know what number it was and I didn’t know who was even calling so when I answered, the guy (who was very friendly) introduced himself to me and said he’s from the NSWEC. Right, and he said that he saw my application and he very impressed with it and that’s when I got the offer.

I actually couldn’t believe I was hearing. I just wanted to like scream and celebrate. Anyway, he said that they will send an email to me so I can look through the offer and I can either accept it or reject it and of course, I did accept it. That is how I was able to get work with NSWEC and It stills feel surreal to me at the moment. The work I will be doing is mainly helping them counting the votes, sorting out the ballots and help them pack up when the voting closes. It’s easy stuff. They even sent me this manual booklet which I have to go through and it’s a lot to remember, well, for me anyway.

I’m hoping everything goes well tomorrow. I’m super anxious but so excited at the same time. The thing I’m more anxious about is the unknown. I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know anyone there and what if I make a mistake? I guess I just have to remind myself to stay positive and everything will go fine. It’s normal to feel anxious about starting new work but it’s not normal that the anxiety will take over you. That’s what I’m starting to learn.

Thank you so much guys for the support. I really appreciated it and I really do mean that. Sorry again for the lack of updates on my blog. I’ve been really up and down lately because I’ve been dealing with stuff at the moment. I won’t go into details yet but probably in the next few posts, I’ll explain. Also, don’t worry, I am working on a few posts which will be up soon but unfortunately it is taking longer than I expected to work on. I’ll let you guys know how everything goes tomorrow.

Be random but stay safe!

After months of waiting and waiting, New Year’s Eve has finally arrived and it’s the last day of 2014. I can’t believe this year has gone quick. This year has been such a big year and a struggle for me which I’ll explain later. I was suppose to publish this post on Christmas Day but because it took longer for me to work on this post as I expected, I haven’t been able to post it til now. So here is my post:

Christmas…Christmas is a special time to celebrate with family and friends. Being excited that holidays has arrived, looking forward putting the Christmas tree up and decorating the house, watching the Christmas Carols, eating a yummy feast with family and also exchanging Christmas gifts. Sounds like happy days, right? Well, not exactly. Christmas should be a happy one but for some people, it’s also a very difficult time for them.

Before I continue on with my post, what is my Christmas usually like? Well, every Christmas, my family and I would always have a Christmas dinner at my house and we would always invite our extended family to come over since our house is the biggest to fit more people. We’ve done it for many many years, tho, I don’t remember the early days when we celebrate Christmas but I do know that my family would always prepare the food in a few days advance, decorate and clean the house, write cards and wrap up gifts.

When the big day arrives, you can feel the excitement buzzing in the air because you haven’t seen your relatives in awhile and when they arrived, you’re just so happy to see them. You greet them, kisses and hugs all around and you talk to each other about what you’ve been up to and any gossips you’ve heard. Then you’re just waiting for dinner to be prepared and cooked, and when dinner has arrive, you have all these yummy food and then after having a full feast meal together, you wait til your stomach digest all the food you just ate because you’re so full.

After about waiting half and hour or so, the best bit of the night comes with exchanging gifts to one another. You always get excited about something you always wanted and you also feel that gratitude when you give someone a present that they’ve always wanted. You can see smile faces all around and everyone is happy but it’s an entirely different story for one person. Who would that be you asked? Yep, you guessed it, it’s me.

Don’t get me wrong, I still do enjoy Christmas but that’s was more when I was a kid. It would also have been a different story if I didn’t had to go through the traumatic experiences I had to go through in my childhood as you all know by reading “The Dark Truth”. Growing up with depression, it just seem to be taking over my life. I didn’t really enjoy Christmas as much compare to others who don’t suffer from a mental illness or has a “normal” life. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to ruin the holiday season but what makes Christmas such a difficult time for me and other people?

Well, I know for myself and I don’t know about others but you get these expectations to be happy because other people are happy and you don’t want to ruin the celebration. You have to spend some quality time with people but you just don’t feel like it because you want to be alone. Since we’re on a topic of alone,  there are also people who spends Christmas by themselves because they live far away from their family and friends or they’re not alive anymore. It makes it hard for them because they have no one to celebrate Christmas with.

There are many more reasons out there and I can’t speak for everyone but you get the idea. It’s hard when people don’t know that you’re actually struggling because they might think you’re being moody or don’t really care about Christmas at all. Then they tell you to cheer up or get upset at you because you’re supposed to be enjoying Christmas but it’s not that. Christmas can be a real trigger for people especially for those who suffer from a mental illness because of what they’ve been through in their lives and it’s something not a lot of people understand why Christmas can be hard for them.