This time of the year, I seem to always struggle and it’s been like that every year. Is it because of the autumn/winter blues? Probably as we don’t get a lot of sunshine and my mood seems to be up during summer time which of course is my favourite season of the year but I noticed that it started when I was first diagnosed with depression. I still don’t know why I still struggle now.

Well, one reason I can think of it’s something to do with the past. I don’t know where to begin as I get so emotional talking about it (like I did today in my day support group) and I have a fear of being judged but today is the eighth anniversary of my last planned suicide attempt (2008) and the thirteenth anniversary (2003) of my first suicide attempt. I can’t believe it’s been eight long years.

I still get these flashbacks of what happened on that night because it was a traumatic thing to go through as I almost died on that night if no one found me. Again, I won’t tell the story here as I’ve already told you guys but I will give a link to those who haven’t read it which you can read here -> The Dark Truth. I was very lucky and am grateful for having a second chance but I do have to admit, a bit of myself sometimes wished my last suicide attempt did succeed. I know it’s very dark and sad saying that but it’s the truth and the honest truth and I hate to lie to you guys…but on the other hand, I survived and I’m enjoying life at the moment even though I still struggle with my depression. People tell me I should be celebrating my life. Well, that’s what I’m doing.

Last year or the year before I think, I finally moved on from my past because, before those years, I had this obsession with my suicide attempt for some reason. It was probably because I’ve always been focused on the past especially this date and not the present or future but now I realised after talking to my psychiatrist and a close friend (since high school) that it’s the past and it’s nothing you can do about. You have to try and accept it and move on. They also told me I am in a much better place now than where I was in 2008 because I’ve been getting ongoing treatment which has been a big support for me and I’ve also grown more as a person.

Eight years of freedom is a massive achievement for me because I never thought I’d get this far and it’s a very long time as well.  During those eight years. it’s been one ride of a roller coaster with so many ups and downs for those who have been with me from the beginning. I don’t know how I was able to get through all those hardships especially recovering from my suicide attempt.

I don’t think I told you guys but after I tried to kill myself and failed, I felt lost. I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad that my plan didn’t work and I felt like something just hit me. It took me a long time to recover from that night and I had to do a lot of soul searching because I didn’t know who I was before anymore. I was so confused and it was scary because I never had that feeling before but it took a few years to finally found who I was thanks to the support I was getting during those years time and of course that life-changing jaw surgery.

I have to admit, it’s very difficult talking about all this because it’s so personal and dark but I felt like I needed to share with you guys that I am living proof you can through the dark times and I just want to reach out to other people. Do I still get suicidal thoughts? Yes, I do but not always. Though, I do get them a lot when my depression gets worse. Sometimes, I feel like it’s easy just to escape from this world to be free and life would be better off without me but I know that’s not right and it’s not healthy thinking after learning that from going to day support groups. Fortunately, I’ve never acted on those thoughts and hope my last suicide attempt will be my last.

Having to deal with depression and also anxiety, it just really sucks. People who have been through similar things to I’ve been through will know this. It’s a very hard life living with a mental illness and that’s why I want to raise awareness about it. Sadly, for me, I don’t think my depression will ever go away as I noticed it keeps coming back every year even when there’s no trigger. Some years, it can be very hard like last year but then there are other years, they weren’t as bad but it was still hard.

I remember in my very first article I wrote after my first suicide attempt, the name of that article was Life Is Precious. Now thinking about that, it’s true, life is precious because you only have one life…a life that you can never get back.

If there is anyone out there or if you know someone who is feeling suicidal or thinking of ending their life, please reach out for help whether is contacting someone you can trust or call your local crisis number. If you require immediate help, please call your local emergency number or go to the closest A&E department or hospital as they should be able to assist you in any need. I know life can be hard at the moment but it will get better. I can’t say when it will but it will in time. Just gotta hang in there and stay strong! Remember, you’re not alone and there are other people out there who might be going through a similar situation and I believe you can get through and they can get through it. I know it’s kinda lame saying all this but it’s true and I hope I can help someone out there.

So with the support I’ve been getting from my family. the professionals, close friends and other support networks, they’ve been amazing to me and I’m so thankful that they’ve been with me all the way even at the darkest times. Otherwise, I wouldn’t get to where I am now.

Thank you guys like always for reading my blog! Sorry again for being active here a lot because I’ve been so busy and also been dealing with personal stuff the last couple of months. I can’t promise you all that I’ll be active on but I’ll try my best to do some blogging and thanks for all your support! It means the world to me!

Be random but stay safe!