Thoughts are going through my head and I’m just thinking about it too much. I need to remind myself not to focus on it. Distraction is kinda a good way to keep your mind off things but…err…I’m starting to isolate from people again. Maybe I’m just trying to run away from everything. I’m trying my best to positive but my mood is getting lower and lower and I feel like I’m not trying hard enough. What goes up must come down? Well that’s how I’m feeling but VERY down. And what’s worse is that I’m starting to pretend to be…umm…”happy” again (I hate that word). It’s what I do best. I had to vent out today coz I’ve been bottling up my feelings and I had to get it out so I apologise earlier today.

I’m going back to this transition to work program again…haven’t been there in ages because I was at a low point where i just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m kinda anxious starting again. It’s like you take a break from everything and when you have to go back to your daily routine again and you just get anxious, it’s like that. My friend invited me and my dad to his place for dinner with his mum…I’m looking forward to that. I always enjoy being around with them. My family & I knows them for bout 10 years now…such a long time. And I think I get to see his little rabbit again. =D I’m kinda getting used to the bunny not being around here. It’s quiet here as well. I have to get back to the gym again coz I’m starting to slack off now…don’t have the motivation to do anything but I have to. Motivation is one of the things you need to keep on going with life. If you don’t have it, you don’t feel like doing anything no more and I don’t want to be like that.

Music keeps me happy and a few of my close mates I always talk to are being supportive of me…I don’t usually tell them what’s going on. But because of me writing again, they’re starting to understand my mind, though I just need to be careful what I say here because from past experience, I got some complaints from people bout my writings but yea. I love writing because I can get to say anything I wanna say. I did get back into writing last year when I got admitted but for some reason, I just stopped.

Well, I’m starting to feel a little bit better from writing my mind and I think I just heard thunder! Or maybe not…but anyway, I might play on my keyboard…learning how to play Lilium, the theme song from Elfen Lied. The anime is quite dark so I’m just giving you a heads up if you wanted to know what’s it bout.

It’s like half past 4 in the morning yet again. Not really sure why I’m always up around this time…maybe it’s because I’m thinking a lot more… I’m starting to notice some changes inside myself. My mood is starting to go down again. What happened to the “happy” feeling I was having weeks ago? Was it real? Was it fake? I don’t really know. I never felt like that before. I just feel blank at the moment…like probably feeling more numb. My schedule is hectic these days because it seems like I have something on all the time. Even on my free days, something comes up and I’m just getting worn out more.

I hate talking to other people bout my thoughts and that’s why I rather write my mind here. My dreams are starting to get to me. It’s just impossible to explain these dreams because it’s really freaky and disturbing. I haven’t been going to the gym lately and I feel bad coz I’m supposed to do this program but like I said, I’m totally worn out which make things more difficult for me. *yawns* wow…it’s 4:52 and I’ve been writing here for like half n hour.

Looking back at 8 months ago, it’s hard to believe that I was at the lowest point of my life back then and now, I think I’m starting to get better (well, that’s what people has been telling me). And now it’s 5 in the freaking morning on Monday.

I am off to bed but I’ll be back later on today. I hate to say this but life is effed up most of the time and it sucks. Let’s hope my mood will lift. =/

How the hell can you even compare someone who is REALLY sick to someone who is not THAT sick??? I don’t understand people. Most people don’t understand what they’ve been through. They are still not receiving the message & that’s why I want to reach out to people like I used to.

I am gonna stop writing since I don’t want to say anything stupid.